Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: The Funny Things You Hear
Glasgow Boards/Forums > Misc Boards > Jokes
sumac
I thought I’d start a new topic because we need a wee laugh now and again. These are things I heard while teaching.

Parents Evening and one of the mum’s was pushing her son out of the school door, smacking him over the head to the beat of her words - “Yur teacher sayed yur fantastic - fantasticly stupit!” slap slap.

One of the absence notes read, “Please excuse Sharon’s absence from school. She had a brain scan but they couldn’t find anything.”

An infant teacher asked her class who could give her a sentence with the word “tap” in it. A wee boy’s hand shot up. He told the teacher,”The tap ay ma heid’s awfy sair.”

Written in a News Book in P2 - no Ramona, no Ramona. I asked the wee girl to read me her story - “Ah’m gaun tae ma aunties, no ramora, no ramora but ramora.”

In the 70’s, in my P7 class, the topic was Current News. One of the boys was telling us that Princess Margaret was in Mustique with her boyfriend. Another pupil commented that she couldn’t have a boyfriend because she was “an auld wummin” then quickly added, “Oh sorry, Miss!” “Why are you sorry?” I asked. “Because she’s your age. I didnae mean tae call you an auld wummin!” I was all of 25!
taurus
it`s good to remember wee funny things from your past and still enjoy a wee laugh. Years ago we took out Yorkshire friends to a special auction for antique clocks and watches. My husband was in the trade. Just had to retire recently with cataract op gone wrong (twice )!! and a hand tremor. This woman liked to watch the pennies,but her husband was flambouyant,if she wanted a thing she got it. She looked at these gorgeous clocks,200 years old some of them,and when the auction got goimg and she heard a price,she said in her terrific accent,'bluddy hell you could get new for that money ". she never lived it down.
ashfield
I once had an elderly chap (probably younger than I am now ) tell me his wife was recovering from having an "insurrectomy" unsure.gif Amongst many of my favourites was a woman who told me she that a sinkhole had appeared in her back garden. She wondered why I was laughing when she told me a council official was coming to look into it tongue.gif
taurus
still smiling here Ashfield,my cheer up for the new day just starting.
TeeHeeHee
As a wee laddie I was always unsure when going into the water on the coasts. My older brother in explaining bouyancy to me had told me that being able to float meant that the grabity wouldn't pull me down.
I was always expecting that grabity to grab me at some time or other. Bliddy stuff of nightmares was for me, laugh.gif
sumac
Oh, THH, you poor thing! But it’s still funny. 😁
sumac
Something like your story that wasn’t so funny at the time.

My daughter, nearly 40 now, but 5 then, was having lunch after school, watching TV with me. It was at the time when the reason for AIDS was being discovered. I was too busy making lunch to notice what was on. She became very quiet and then a wee tear dripped from her eye. I asked her what was wrong and I would fix it. At first she wouldn’t say then she blurted out, “I don’t want to be 6, Mummy.” When I asked her why not, she said she would get the disease and die when she was 6. She was really scared. It transpires that the reporter had said you get AIDS after SEX and there was no cure so you would die. God love her! 😰
TeeHeeHee
That reminded me about the joke where the TV interviewer goes up to an island off the north of Scotland to discuss the life of a shepherd who'd lived alone there since a young man.
They covered how he coped with the rugged weather and kept his croft in order with the basic of tools and how once a month a boat comes and drops of victuals which he can't provide for on the island in return for a few lambs once or twice a year.
"An important question which I cannot allow to go unanswered", asked the young lady interviewer, " is, what do you do about sex?"
"Oh, I make me a bowl of porridgge around then", he replied.
biggrin.gif
sumac
🤣🤣
ashfield
QUOTE (TeeHeeHee @ 19th Aug 2020, 09:33am) *
As a wee laddie I was always unsure when going into the water on the coasts. My older brother in explaining bouyancy to me had told me that being able to float meant that the grabity wouldn't pull me down.
I was always expecting that grabity to grab me at some time or other. Bliddy stuff of nightmares was for me, laugh.gif


My first primary school, St Teresa's in Possil, was a coral of single classrooms at one end and a wood and brick building at the other, before it mysteriously burned down rolleyes.gif It had a wooden platform joining up the class doors and, at 5 years old, my 5 years older brother told me to meet him at the wooden platform. When I asked a "big boy" where the "granda" was he fell about laughing. He pointed and said the verandah is over there blush.gif
taurus
when I was young sex was what the coalman brought the coal in when you lived in Kelvinside.
Dave Grieve
When my two daughters started asking ME tricky questions, i would tell them sex came after five and before seven.
I know, im a coward lol
sumac
I’ve just remembered when my nephew started primary school (he’s in his 40s now). He complained to his mum that the teacher told them they were going to gym. When the class got to the big hall, Jim wasn’t there. 🤭
taurus
this goes back to the 60`s. My father in law had just arrrived and there was a boxing match on in the local club. he was a mad keen boxing fan could name every winner back to 1912 sort of. He went with his 3 adult sons,and you can imagine the 4 of them all talking. some young smartie Aussie blokes behind them starting taunting them about their accents. My husband was worried his brothers might get in to a fight,but the old man couldn`t take any more. He said,whit youse sayin we hud tae come tae this country to learn youse yins how tae talk English. problem solved,Aussie boy speechless and the brothers all had a great laugh and the legend still around to this day.That same old man went to work in a car pool of young blokes,and they all talked about the weekend how much sex and whatever they`d had. The old man said oh for F.. s sake talk aboot somethin fur eatin.they made him uncomfortable.
zascot
QUOTE (Dave Grieve @ 20th Aug 2020, 09:57am) *
When my two daughters started asking ME tricky questions, i would tell them sex came after five and before seven.
I know, im a coward lol

That explains my problem Dave . I did`nt get home till 8. biggrin.gif
sumac
🤣🤣
ashfield
Not overheard, but a wee joke about where you live Sumac. It will make no sense to "furriners"

A chap went into a butcher's on a cold winters day and found the proprietor sitting on a radiator with his hands behind his back. Looking at the display of meats, the chap said "is this your Ayrshire Bacon".

"No" said the butcher, "I'm just heatin' ma hauns" rolleyes.gif
sumac
Only oldies but goodies! 🤣
TeeHeeHee
QUOTE (Dave Grieve @ 20th Aug 2020, 08:57am) *
When my two daughters started asking ME tricky questions ...

Someetimes it's the ones they ask among themselves ... and the answers they get.

When I was contracting on aircraft I had a Volkswagon van fitted out with 5 Boeing 707 aircraft windows along the side and two on the sliding door, complete with blinds. On the ocassions when I came home for a short weekend my daughter and her mates would look forward to trips to the woods or one of the local beaches.
One morning having arrived home at 7am after a long drive through the night I went straight into the bath to relax and freshen up after having a few coffees
I heard Kelly talking with her mates immediately below at the back door, who'd quickly spotted the Tomi Van out at the back of the house.

"Do you think your dad will be taking us out somewhere today?"
"Yeah ... I made him promice. He's in the bath right now and he'll take us out later after he's had some breakfast".
This followed by some giggles and girlish Oh goodies then one asked Kelly soto voice "Do you ever go in the bath with your daddy?" followed by more giggles, to which Kelly replied, " Yaeh ... well ... I usedf to ... but dad got too shy a while back".

I could have drowned while laughing at that laugh.gif
sumac
Out of the mouths of babes!

🛁 😆
taurus
my eldest daughter decided to get her baby christened and while she was at it got the 3 year old girl christened too. We were in the Catholic church ,and the little girl getting christened was sitting with my other daughter`s littlel girl same age,on the step of the lady altar which had the stand of candles all lit. One said,is this a party ? and the other one said it must be,there`s candles,so there must be a cake,but i don`t see any presents.
sumac
🤭😆
sumac
Right, I’m adding skeegie. and. schneister.

Words that I learned as an adult moving to Ayrshire were. nanky peevy and
stoory paloory both Ayrshire words (or so I was told) meaning a tantrum. I have used these a lot since and have been copied by the granddaughters.

The wee ones love ooss and dander as well, both meaning dust or dust bunnies.

I often wish I had written down all the old words my mum and gran used. You think you’ll remember them, but you don’t.
taurus
sounds like Ayrshire was still talking the old Scots that Rabbie wrote in his works.
taurus
we had a teacher in primary school who told us she was giving us some poetry from the auld Scots times,with old words we`d never heard in the usual Wordsworth and Walter De la mare poems which were standard. There was a couple but the one that stuck in my memory was "get up and bar the door". I loved it,she read it out to us,and it was exciting storyline,husband speaking to his wife in old scots words. When I was able to Google it,I found as it went along,it got a bit risque,2 men on the run from the authorities,knocking on their door when they were in bed for the night. As it went on it was all dramatic,but I think one of the men had nasty thoughts towards the "good lady wife". I don`t think our teacher realised this,as she never got far enough along with the story. I can only imagine the headmistress Sister mary Clare knowing this.
sumac
Oh uh! Pornography in school!

We had a French teacher in 5th year at school who was fantastic. We read books like Maigret in class. We would each read out the translation from the French book and often somebody would mis-translate a piece. The teacher would usually make a double-entendre about this. Being young ladies by that time, we laughed and enjoyed being treated as adults and not schoolgirls.
wombat
QUOTE (ashfield @ 20th Aug 2020, 07:59pm) *
Not overheard, but a wee joke about where you live Sumac. It will make no sense to "furriners"

A chap went into a butcher's on a cold winters day and found the proprietor sitting on a radiator with his hands behind his back. Looking at the display of meats, the chap said "is this your Ayrshire Bacon".

"No" said the butcher, "I'm just heatin' ma hauns" rolleyes.gif


rolleyes.gif guy goes into the butchers ,"have you got a sheeps head"?

wink.gif "nah its just the way i part my hair".
sumac
Ha ha ha! I really like the wee film clip, though.
Scots Kiwi Lass
QUOTE (sumac @ 3rd Sep 2020, 11:22am) *
Right, I’m adding skeegie. and. schneister.

Words that I learned as an adult moving to Ayrshire were. nanky peevy and
stoory paloory both Ayrshire words (or so I was told) meaning a tantrum. I have used these a lot since and have been copied by the granddaughters.

The wee ones love ooss and dander as well, both meaning dust or dust bunnies.

I often wish I had written down all the old words my mum and gran used. You think you’ll remember them, but you don’t.


I remember years ago teaching my Kiwi husband scrabble. I won the game with the word "oose". He didn't believe it was a word till I showed him a Scrabble dictionary years later. These days I play in a wee social scrabble group and I am educating them on the old Scottish words..
sumac
Good for you, Lass! We need to keep our language alive. My niece in the USA asked me for the words and tunes of all the old games we used to sing or play. I decided, in the end, it was easier to give her a book instead. I must go look it out and I’ll put its title on here.
taurus
my MIL `s father still talked the old words that he learned from his father. The great grandfather who would have been born in 1800`s was apparently a great reader,virtually ecucating himself ,amd probably by candle light too. the seough..... the gutter I believe. That`s the one word that stuck in the family all these years later.not sure of the spelling.
sumac
Ah, the good old sheuch (spelling?).. That was a builder’s crack where I came from.

When looking at new cars, one young car salesman was reading out all the extras you got with one car, a Kia. He told us it had this and that, and “fox leather”. I don’t know what he said after that because I was busy thinking how I had never heard of leather from foxes. It was only later that I realised he meant FAUX leather. I thought that was funny.
taurus
another nice Malapropism there Sumac. just a few weeks ago I was talking to my much loved SIL on the phone,and she was telling me of her family in England who could tell some 'antidotes' from the war years.
sumac
You just reminded me of my mum’s wee “foxes paws”.

Coming from a really poor area of Glasgow (the Toonheid then Garthamlock), Mum was a bit flummoxed when my sister had a party, with their permission, of course. She and Dad were going away for the night. When they returned in the morning, it was to a house with several students left.

Mum, always the joker but trying to be a bit more upper class, said to the posh boys, “Do youse boys know any more illegible bachelors? I have 5 girls here.”

Another of hers - “And she had the adossity to say to me - - - - “

An old auntie loved watching Bozanza and that nice boy, Horse. For those too young to remember, the programme was Bonanza and the man was Hoss.

She also used to go on about my Granpa frequenting the Dalderialdery pub in the Edinburgh Road (from Cranhill).
wombat
tongue.gif told my wifie to "STEREOLISE"the mop bucket ,huh?"wash it twice"ok ? smartass.gif smartass.gif
sumac
Another teaching memory.

We had just returned to the class from a sweltering Sports Day. As ever, the local Tally (sorry, but that was what he was called) came to the school with big vats of ice cream. Each child got a big cone. All was quiet in the class as we all, me too, got stuck in. All of a sudden there was a yell.
“Jeezis, this is m-a-w-k-I-t!”
Scott obviously didn’t like the ice cream.

😂😂
wombat
tongue.gif who ?randolph scott rolleyes.gif
bilbo.s
QUOTE (wombat @ 16th Oct 2020, 08:57pm) *
tongue.gif who ?randolph scott rolleyes.gif


Naw, Scott of the Antarctic ! tongue.gif
taurus
don`t know how much truth there is in this,someone we knew bought their old mammy a wee freezer. When they were asking how she was getting on with it,she said,och I flung that mince oot,it was aw hard.
sumac
😆
sumac
You just reminded me of my sister’s old granny-in-law.

My sister’s mum-in-law had bought a set of expensive non-stick pots, back when they first came in. She went out to the shops, leaving Granny-In-Law to clean up the breakfast things, including the new pot she’d made scrambled eggs in.

When she returned, G-I-L was still working away at the sink. G-I-L said, over her shoulder, “My, you really burned that pot good! But I’m nearly there!”

She thought the pot was burnt and had taken a Brillo pad to it. She was right. The non-stick was almost all gone, the pot was ruined and G-I-L was absolutely kna****ed!

😂
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.