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Rab-oldname
Stupid people ............. should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign!"

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a removal van in our driveway. My friend from 2 houses along comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "No. We just like to pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign!"

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a pal of mine. We pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big line of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, did you catch all them fish?" "Not at all - we talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign!"

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Okay Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... Now you need to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't want to lose it."

Last time I had a flat tyre, I pulled my car into, fortunately, a nearby Kwik-Fit tyre place. The attendant walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tyre go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "No. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign!"

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Damn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

When I was a lot younger I learned to drive an 18 wheeler. Would you believe it, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning, ok no problem. I thought sure he was the type of guy never to need a sign ...until he asked "So...is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the immovable truck and then back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign!"
Marg
Rab I've meet many people like that Now I'll have to think about them and do an add to your post. I've had my wee morning laugh! thanks !! biggrin.gif
Barbara
OK.........44 people have seen and noted that I had a bad day the other day. Today I am retracting it and wishing everyone a happy everafter.

Now, please commense with the outragiously funny stupid people jokes.

Thank you Mary48 and Rab for the kind words.
Rab-oldname
True - I walked into a large Supermarket the other day and bumped into a former workmate who said, "Hello Rab - what are YOU doing here?". Could somebody pass me another sign please!.

Barbara - we all have those days. We moved house 4 months ago and I am STILL putting things like biscuits in the freezer!. Should I use your felt-tip and write 'FREEZER you idiot' on it?
Catherine
Dammit barbara...ah missed yer post laugh.gif Trust me it couldnae huv been ony worse than a day in the life of masel pet...you go girl an never be afraid tae laugh at yersel..keeps ye gaun, sane, simple...be who ye are....yer in fine company in here if ye waant a laugh or if ye waant tae share wan.
Italia
I was in a hurry one day and couldn't get my car door open, I gave it a kick in exasperation, a man comes up to me and asks "what're you doing?" (another idiot) I answered "what the hell has it got to do with you?" answer "It's my car!".........where's that sign Rab? I'll have 2 if you don't mind, one to pin on the back and front!!!!!!
Rab-oldname
I remember a great favourite of the late, great, Chic Murray who described tripping and falling on a pavement. A passerby said, 'What happened?' and Chic replied, 'Well, its like this. I've got this bar of chocolate in my pocket and I'm breaking it into pieces'. Definately 'Sign' fodder there!.
I recently moved house and our new development is still in the building phase. Last weekend, a tipper truck stopped near my house and the driver set the tipper platform rising. At this point, my neighbour rushed out and said, 'Are you going to tip that there?'. Sign please!.
Rab-oldname
I swear this is true!!. About an hour ago I was cutting my new lawn grass when my new neighbour (see above post) came out and called out ' Cutting your grass then?'. Help ma Bob!. How I bit my lip!. Is it only me?. There must be more examples oot there. Just going out to my workshop with some sheets of ply, some bits of 2x2 and a big pot of black paint. Do you dare me?.
Catherine
Oh ah dare ye Rabbie...gaun... laugh.gif
Kayleigh
Go oan Rab ah dare ye! biggrin.gif Ah'm anjoying yer posts keep them coming, ah'm huvin a rerr wee chuckle.
davey70
OK,the Legal proffession the doctor and the Lawyer [Q] Doctor before you performed a autopsydid you check for a pulse?[A] NO {Q]Did you check for Blood pressure? [NO] [Q] So how can you be sure he was dead?[A]Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk!! [Q] But could the patienthave still been alive never the less? [A] Yes it is possiblethat he could have been alive and practising LAW!!!!. Need a sign please!!
Rab-oldname
She's at it again! Oh the temptation!.
On Monday 'the new neighbour' appeared as I was unloading my car after a four day sailing weekend. "So your back then" she says!!!!!!!!!!!!.
My immediate retort should have been "Naw hen, Ah'm still 80 miles west of here. Whit your looking at is a digitally enhanced laser-etched hologram of me which has been ether-transported by microwave expanded hydro-technology".
What would you have said to her?. Or would you just hand her a sign?. HeHe.
Barbara
I want to order a case of those "I'm stupid" signs. Not the heavy wood ones your making Rab, but the lightweight ones that I can roll up and ship to the idiots that put stickers on your new pots and pans that won't wash off and the numbskulls that make your clothes out of fabric that bleeds and shrinks in the wash and to the produce people who put those little stickers on the oranges and lemons and such that stick to your fingers when you try and take them off, then end up on the floor stuck there for all eternity.

I want signs for the braindead road construction people that wait until the road is finished and tear it up again because they forgot to put the water drain under it.

A sign please for the toilet paper manufactures that think they have to glue down that first peice so that you have to shred the whole role just trying to 'finish the paperwork."
Catherine
Oh ah hear ye Barbara laugh.gif ......Don't be furgettin the cling film/seran wrap, tryin tae start that aff drives me ballistic!!
Barbara
Oh Catherine, I have a chance to be useful. Here is a tip to start the plastic wrap.

You put a short peice of scotch tape on the place where it looks like the wrap starts and lift it up.
Catherine
Gaun yersel Barbara.....The very dab!!! ....Sometimes ah buy the no name brand, wheras the real macoy dis indeed huv that wee tape bit....brain a britain NOT here didnae make the connection afore laugh.gif

Dammit....pass wan a thae signs ower here Rabbie, walked intae that wan didn't ah....
wee mags
A wus gonnae tell yae the tip for your saran wrap you put it in the freezer ,only knowin you ,you wid say whits this geoff? I dont remember buying this meat ? whit kind is it and geoff wid hiv tae say "Hi rab ,one of your stupid stickers here " rolleyes.gif
Catherine
AW NAW.....You get oota this topic wee mags....efter a week in ma hoose yer gaunni tell them aw ma secrets.....Sno ma fault, things jist happen tae me laugh.gif
Rab-oldname
I've just returned home from the local 'DIY' store. Santas and Rudolphs by the hundred -every shape and size + tinsel by the ton + other decorations. 3 piece suites and office furniture. Beds, bed-linen, ride-on lawnmowers, confectionery, safes (wall & floor), car-mats, rugs and carpets, seeds, garden furniture, even postage stamps. Toothbrushes and condoms would not have been out of place. 'Excuse me', says I to check-out girl, 'Where can I find treated battens?', 'Oh. We dont do them any more', says she. 'Jist a minute' says I. I run outside store and look above doors - yes - there it is - a great big sign saying 'FOCUS D.I.Y.' I run back in and say to lassie at check-out, 'Are you sure this is a DIY store you work for?'. Queue is forming as I demand an address to complain to. I am glad to report that many heads were nodding in agreement. I left after purchasing a small tube of adhesive. When I looked at the instructions for use, they were completely obscured by the barcode label!!!. mad.gif
Catherine
Dammit gies anither wan of thae signs Rabbie.....Whit's a treated batten when it's at hame huh.gif
Rab-oldname
Cathy hen....... a batten is a length of wood (usually softwood) normally of small dimensions which is generally nailed/screwed to a wall whence objects may be affixed eg panelling. For outdoor/garden use, the battens are pre-treated with preservative to stop them rotting. The sort of object a DIYer like me needs constantly. And where would you expect to buy one of these battens ?........... maybe I would have better luck at an opticians!. unsure.gif
Oh aye - and by the way - I got the barcode label aff!. Pity it took the instructions wey it!.
Rab-oldname
Barbara. I know how annoying those wee stickers on fruit are. I spent a few years working at London Gatwick Airport, facing literally thousands of passengers every day. One of them I spent after my lunch break with a 'New Zealand' sticker from an apple emblazoned on one of my upper teeth. As smiling at passengers was the rule, I wondered why they all took one look at me and laughed. My fellow-officers had great fun at my expense!.
wee mags
hey Rab a needed wan of your stickers on Sat when I arrived at the airport ,the big yank wis there tae get me and heres wee mags draggin the suitcases and he say are these yours ? "No they are the wummin behind me but I jist took it cause they looked better than mine "!!!! rolleyes.gif
Rab-oldname
Mags. Well- deserved sign is on the way. Norwalk?. Is that where the virus came from??.
Rab.
Melody
Barbara, those fruit stickers and toilet rolls, drive me nuts too.
Especially the fruit stickers! Takes ages to get them off. Goodness knows what purpose they serve and the plastic bags they give us in the supermarkets are so thin you have to use two, one inside the other. In fact supermarkets are a pain, remember when we used to go into a shop, ask for what we wanted and the assistant would pack your own shopping bag for you. Happy days! ....I'll have two dozen 'I'm stupid' signs please!
kas
I asked the waitress for a teaspoon. I almost had ice tea it took her so long to get back with me & when she did..listen to this one.."Sorry, we don't have any teaspoons, will a coffee spoon work?!" I almost fell off the chair! Rab send me some stickers please!
Rab-oldname
Went to the post office last week with a fairly hefty parcel. Clerk asked me if I wanted to send it parcel post!. I said,'Not if I can send it Christmas Card rate!' . Looked at me as if I was daft ............... now,now, contain yourselves!.
kas
rab what happened to the link you posted?
Rab-oldname
Link? What link? Kas.
Robbie
Now why would he want to park there, didn't he see me???
Barbara
Pulled my van up to the drivethru window at my banking facility, where I have been doing my finances for the past 30 plus years and the little teenybopper asks me, "Do you have an account with us?" Stupid little twit. Her sign will have bows on it and the i's will be dotted with little pink hearts. wink.gif
Robbie
Is this stupid or bravery??
Rab-oldname
[SIZE=1][SIZE=1][SIZE=1]Two men in a pickup truck drove into a timber-yard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go find oot," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Aye, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go and find oot." After a wee while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonny build a hoose." laugh.gif
Rab
Just found this great old thread from a wee while back and it was so good, I thought it should be
brought back to life and hopefully get some more laughs from present posters - Aye, I mean POSTERS, not the
not the lurkers who read all our stuf, do not contribute and call themselves 'members'. thumbup.gif

EG. I belong to a model boat club and last week I staggered down to the lakeside with my largest boat - some 6 feet long. Whilst preparing it for the water, one of the onlookers approached and actually asked me if I was 'going to put it in the water'!!
They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit - but, Oh, the temptation. laugh.gif

Think I will make some more signs up!
petunia
Rab: some of us post and never get an acknowledgement of it having been read it seems it is the same people that talk to one another (or argue) with one another, I am NOT a lurker but do not contribute often as sometimes have nothing to say on some subjects.
ashfield
Petunia, I think that happens to us all. Worst ones (IMHO) are when the next post takes a thread onto the next page and it's as if you had never made a post huh.gif

It would be great if more folk posted. It would especially good if some of those longer term board members would let us know, once in a while, they are doing ok.

Sorry Rab sign_offtopic.gif all the folk in Brigadoon are very clever so no signs needed today laugh.gif
Rab
I should of course have added 'present company excepted' and I mean that thumbup.gif

Ash - isn't Brigadoon where you only appear one every hundred years? Did they maybe leave you behind? We all bow to your wisdom. knowledge and brains here, of course so no signs neccessary pal.
ashfield
Rab, you are right about Brigadoon but I was sent to Glesga as their cultural ambassador in what they called a one way exchange huh.gif It seems that my presence here is working wonders for Brigadoon as they sent me a message to say the longer I'm away, the better off they are eyebrow.gif
Rab
What a strange co-incidental co-incidence! The same happened to me when I was dispatched by Her Majesty to the south of England to bring common sense, education, financial acumen and prosperity to the natives, so to read all the stuff on the Independence threads I must have been doing something right! somewhere.
Wee Eck told me a while back just to stay and keep up the good work, as 'I was doing a good job'! Something disnae gel there pal!
I went up to visit my few remaining living rellies a while back and they had all flitted the week before. Ever get the feeling ............. ??

I've just sent my CV to the British Virgin islands which seems like a good place to me as I wondered where they had all gone! Its nice and warm too. Fancy coming along? laugh.gif
Rab
Oh aye, I forgot to mention another example of doubtful sanity when I bought a book of stamps in Morrisons yesterday and the guy asked me if I wanted it in a bag! I was then chewing the edge of his desk and he looked at me as if it was me that was mad!
ashfield
QUOTE (Rab @ 26th Apr 2015, 04:02pm) *
I've just sent my CV to the British Virgin islands which seems like a good place to me as I wondered where they had all gone! Its nice and warm too. Fancy coming along? laugh.gif


Sorry, I'm busy that week tongue.gif
zascot
My mammy sent me on holiday to South Africa an didnae tell me it wiz a wan way ticket. laugh.gif
angel



Hi Rab , In this topic do you mean lack of intelligence or lack of common
sense .
just wondering huh.gif
Rab
Certainly not lack of intelligence Angel, but I think the examples given by most posters show that they recognise 'stupidity' when they see - or hear it!
It's more a question of putting brain into gear before opening mooth. yes.gif

EG - a bag for a book of stamps!!!!!!! sad.gif
angel


well Rab I would say ,thats' a good enough answer smile.gif
taurus
it just shows you how robotic the job is,"do you want a bag/ how are you today?" as if they give a stuff.They just say and do these things like the Stepford wives,don`t even know they`re saying them. One shopgirl asked "how are you today?",I`d heard that in every shop that morning,so I said "oh my backs killing me",stony stare,she didn`t know how to cope with that,it`s not in the robot manual.
ashfield
Rab, I don't know if this fits the criteria rolleyes.gif

On Saturday night we were out with friends and dropped into a large pub that sits on the corner of George Square. Those who know the place will also know it's always very busy. I muscled my way to a spot at one side of the bar and got the attention of a young bar person. My request for a couple of pints of real ale from the hand pumps in front of me was met with a shake of the head by the bar person, these are empty he said. He helpfully pointed to other pumps, about six feet from him but several rugby scrums away from us, and said there were more over there. After fighting our way to these, we discovered they were working and it was exactly the same beer we asked for in the first place wacko.gif

Does he get a sign unsure.gif
Jupiter
I was annoyed today.I had an appointment at an outpatient dept today at 2pm. At 2.25 I asked respectfully what was happening to be told by a receptionist that the person I was waiting to see had a patient and was taking longer than usual.I was eventually seen and was given an apology that due to a new member of staff not logging patients arrival she had been sitting twiddling her thumbs for over 25 mins.I was not annoyed by the new member of staff but by the receptionist who told an out and out lie and never bothered to get off her bahookie to find out the cause of the delay. AArgh !!!
Rab
QUOTE (ashfield @ 27th Apr 2015, 08:44am) *
Rab, I don't know if this fits the criteria rolleyes.gif
On Saturday night we were out with friends and dropped into a large pub that sits on the corner of George Square. Those who know the place will also know it's always very busy. I muscled my way to a spot at one side of the bar and got the attention of a young bar person. My request for a couple of pints of real ale from the hand pumps in front of me was met with a shake of the head by the bar person, these are empty he said. He helpfully pointed to other pumps, about six feet from him but several rugby scrums away from us, and said there were more over there. After fighting our way to these, we discovered they were working and it was exactly the same beer we asked for in the first place wacko.gif
Does he get a sign unsure.gif


If he had legs - aye, most definitely Ash! yes.gif

Here you are, for next time you visit. Or maybe not!
Click to view attachment
Rab

Jupiter - that was pure laziness. Can't give her a ....

Click to view attachment sign.
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