Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: Astrology Alcohol
Glasgow Boards/Forums > Misc Boards > Jokes
thebardau
ARIES
Drinking style
Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when
to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to
closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.
Trademark cocktails
Aries, born under the hot-stuff planet Mars, is the ruler of spicy
food and red things -- and for balance, astrologers recommend they eat tomatoes, onions, olives and greens. That's right, Aries, you were born under the sign of the bloody Mary. Aries also rules grapefruit, and they've been known to kick back a salty dog and a sea breeze or two. For extreme hotcha, try a concoction with cinnamon liqueur in it. Drinking buddies Marlon Brando,Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Al Gore, Thomas Jefferson, Elton John, Eric McCormack, Rosie O'Donnell, Sarah Jessica Parker, Reese Witherspoon

TAURUS
Drinking style
Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow
glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious(full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated. Trademark cocktails
Early-to-bed Taureans need a picker-upper -- try a Red Bull and vodka. They also have a leviathan sweet tooth and are fond of drinks with names that sound like dessert (50-50 bar, mudslide). Sweetly caffeinated drinks, like Irish coffee or white Russians, are ideal. More macho Taureans will go for something unpretentious, like a Jack and Coke or whiskey sour. Drinking buddies Cate Blanchett, Tony Blair, Pierce Brosnan, Cher, Penelope Cruz, William Randolph Hearst, Jerry Seinfeld, Barbara Striesand, Uma Thurman, Renee Zellweger

GEMINI Drinking style
Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much -- they're so
naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell
sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic ability to flirt successfully(and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring-- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement. Trademark cocktails - Easily bored Geminis need some stimulation in their drinks -- those with two parts, like
a black and tan (or just a double), are particularly appealing.
Otherwise, they'll drink all over the map, ordering frou-frou drinks to add to their collection of cocktail monkeys or going for whiskey rocks because they're feeling rather noir. Gemini rules the herb anise -- make some home-infused anise vodka as a gift.
Drinking buddies
George Bush Sr., Johnny Depp, Rupert Everett, Boy George, Allen Ginsberg, Angelina Jolie, John Kennedy, Ian McKellen, Kylie Minogue, Morrissey

CANCER
Drinking style
Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an
after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. Keep in mind once started, a Cancer never stops... drinking. Trademark cocktails - Ruled by the moon, Cancers are intrigued by the idea of moonshine -- any booze, from a bourbon
press to a whiskey and soda to grandpappy's special brew in a mason jar, will do. They also like comfortingly warm and sweet drinks, like hot toddies and hot buttered rums. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and
soda. Though a six-pack of bud will do.
Drinking buddies
Pamela Anderson, George W. Bush, Bill Cosby, Tom Cruise, Harrison
Ford, Sean Hayes, Lil' Kim, George Michael, Princess Diana, Prince William

LEO
Drinking style
Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling -- Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one what brung them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder,Cancer) and expect a sheepish Lion to make it up to you the next day.
Trademark cocktails
Leos like flashy drinks, be they complicated tropical concoctions festooned with umbrellas, like a Bahama mama or the more common strawberry daiquiri or mai tai. Indeed, they often have a taste for the fruity -- try a
screwdriver, or add an extra cherry to the next Manhattan. Their sense of drama lends itself to a kir royale, of course.
Drinking buddies
Ben Affleck, Gillian Anderson, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky,
Jennifer Lopez, Madonna, Debra Messing, Kevin Spacey, Martha Stewart, Andy Warhol

VIRGO
Drinking style
Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked-- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's
dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used todeclare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ! Trademark cocktails
Many Virgos prefer clear, simple, untreacly drinks like vodka tonic or a real margarita, though you'll find 'em drinking anything from unflinchingly downing Cuervo straight to smirkingly ordering a dirty virgin. They also tend to like bitter, low-alk guzzles like Campari and soda. They rarely change their drink once they've found it, however.
Drinking buddies
Cameron Diaz, Hugh Grant, Christopher Isherwood, Michael Jackson,
Freddie Mercury, Carrie-Anne Moss, Dorothy Parker, Ryan Philippe, Keanu Reeves, Lily Tomlin

LIBRA
Drinking style
"I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm damn
social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to
everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay tooearly in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops! Trademark cocktails
Aesthetic Libras like pretty, pouffy drinks like a pink lady or a brandy Alexander. That's the influence of Venus, their ruling planet, which also gives them a horror of crudely named potions like Sex on the Beach. They're fine with "normal" guzzles like apple martinis, but every Libra secretly just wants Champagne, and lots of it.
Drinking buddies
Jimmy Carter, Simon Cowell, Ani DiFranco, Janeane Garofalo, Hugh Jackman,Martina Navratilova, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sting, Oscar Wilde, Catherine Zeta-Jones

SCORPIO
Drinking style
Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at
you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool -- though if depressed,self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts.They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you. Trademark cocktails Just
as a Scorpio can look you in the eye and smile while secretly plotting your demise, so does the brandy-laced stinger's sweet taste hide a potent amount of alcohol. If you want to get literal, serve them a scorpion -- they may not love tropical drinks, but it shows you're paying attention. Scorpio rules watermelon, so break out the blender and fix a pitcher of watermelon margaritas to seduce 'em -- though red wine will do the trick justas well.
Drinking buddies
Truman Capote, Hillary Clinton, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jodie Foster,
Bill Gates, k.d. lang, Megan Mullally, Demi Moore, Sylvia Plath RuPaul

SAGITTARIUS
In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: when
buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call). Trademark cocktails A
travel-loving sign, Sagittarius might be intrigued by drinks like Moscow mules, Singapore slings -- perhaps even a Long Island iced tea (not a bad option, given how much Sag can put away and still stay vertical). Party monsters that they are, they're attracted to shots, like the ever-popular lemon drop. Sag rules pears, and could use a nice pear cider right about now, come to think of it.
Drinking buddies The Bush twins, Margaret Cho, Noel Coward, Betty Ford, Lucy Liu, Brad Pitt, Keith Richards, Frank Sinatra, Anna Nicole Smith, Britney Spears

CAPRICORN
Drinking style
Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast,
money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the
astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please.And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.
Trademark cocktails
Old-fashioned Cap would probably like an old-fashioned just fine or a dry martini, or a gin and tonic, or a gimlet -- or any other no-nonsense quaff. They prefer drinks that taste like alcohol and generally hate drinks with more than three ingredients. However, they like the flavor of cranberry and will order a cosmo if they can handle the wait for it to get mixed.
Drinking buddies
Orlando Bloom, David Bowie, James Dean, Marlene Dietrich, Martin
Luther King Jr., Jude Law, Annie Lennox, Marilyn Manson, Richard Nixon,Elvis Presley

AQUARIUS
Drinking style
Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative -- and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober. Trademark cocktails Aquarius is likely to order stuff
most people have never heard of: a capirinha, Satan's whiskers, a negroni,an Arthur Tompkins. They like to stump the bartender. This sign rules the color electric blue and would be pleased by any tipple featuring blue curacao. They also rule the olive tree,so pour the juice into that dirty martini.
Drinking buddies Jennifer Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. Dre, Matt Groening, Ashton Kutcher, Ronald Reagan, Christina Ricci, Justin Timberlake, Oprah Winfrey, Elijah Wood

PISCES
Drinking style
If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a
sign -- and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two
ways, you know. Trademark Cocktails Pisces rules fresh mint, and they do love a mojito or three -- though a julep will do just as well. They also like punches, like sangria or the oh-so-aptly named fish house punch. (Pretty much anything will satisfy a Pisces in a pinch, though -- "drinking like a fish" is an idiom pulled out of the zodiac, not the deep blue sea.) Pisces is a chocoholic and loves creme de cacao (and spiked cocoa). Drinking buddies
Drew Barrymore, Chastity Bono, Chelsea Clinton, Kurt Cobain, Edward Gorey,Queen Latifah, Liza Minelli, Anais Nin, Sharon Stone, Liz Taylor
Catherine
Whit can ah say Bard....Aquarius auld wine drinker me!!! Hoi by the way, me tae a T aboot the conversation bit, quite fascinatin...an Geoffs Sagitarius, he rarely drinks much at all these days, but it's him tae a T an aw when he does. biggrin.gif
thebardau
Hell I missed the point totally - been so absorbed with finding out about all the drinks I've never heard of!
Fearn
Bard - You may not believe this but I came on line to post the same thing!

Came to me today as "Alcohoroscope".....word for word, as you posted.

A Taurus - the only accurate statement for me is Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow. laugh.gif

Ah canna abide sweet drinks!
Catherine
Ah cannae believe hardly anyone is in here postin....this post is hysterical laugh.gif Reading again, ah think ah take the stubborn streak part further...ahm not one tae try new drinks, quite borin that way, and ahm like you Fearn in that ah don't like a sweet drink.
Marion Dougan
Yes!!! I am Libra hic hic
albaliz
Aquarius here. But I do not like to try a lot of new stuff unless it's white wine, then I taste til I drop.( or faw asleep which ever comes first.) sleep.gif
Fearn
Perhaps we’ve got something going here – maybe even warrants being moved to the ‘on topic section’ what do you think Martin?

Think about all this ‘horo-alchoro (or whatever) scopes’ thing and be honest…we’re ah friends here!

I’m not a total Taurus – annoyed or hurt, I’ll let you know in no uncertain terms and go on from there - betrayed, I may be your ‘friend’ again but I’ll never totally trust you.

Like the stars, I come out at night! – a real nighthawk – my friends know "I don’t do mornings" and don’t even think of phoning me before at least 10.00am – unless you're in real trouble or the world is ending, then time doesn’t matter.

It's said that we all have an Ascendant and, in later life, (Catherine, yer no there yet, hen!!!!) we take on many of that sign's characteristics - mine is SAGITTARIUS – some truth there –
A travel-loving sign – my Mum called it my restless nature!
I do chat up people and (all unasked) end up with their life history.

As for keeping secrets, I’m the 3 monkey’s rolled into one, hear all, see all, say nought – ah can tell ye, more folks download on me than ye can shake a stick at! Confession, in my second career, ah wis a travel agent……many of my files (like those of all good Agents) were ‘flagged’ – "no information to be given to unauthorized telephone enquiries." Och! The ‘rich and famous’ that ah could blackmail – we don’t name drop! Example: On a cruise booking – booked, and paid for as a double cabin but with only one name registered -

Me to traveller –"Hi (followed by the usual BS) - the Line is finalizing passenger lists, I really need a name for your companion."
Traveller, (internationally well known) in very ‘limp wrist voice’ "it’s 6 weeks away, how am I supposed to know who will be in my favour then?"

…(under my breath) "frankly,XXXX, I don’t give a damn"

- to client, in calm voice, "well, come as close as you can – if need be, we can make a change..

(under breath again).cost for that will be billed later, you stupid x#^*~!?

……….and all you guys thought the job was glamorous, filled with free trips, etc,etc – in your dreams – the few ‘freebees’ are hard earned, on off season dates and, I might say, well deserved!

Married to a Virgo, I endorse the blurb - "Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs…….they rarely get fully shellacked" – bless his cotton socks, my MOTH’s aye the Designated Driver!
biggrin.gif
hubert
Did sumdy mention drinking socially, I did that wance! LMAO
Catherine
Whits yer star sign ya auld grump, camoan oot wae it ??? tongue.gif
Tumchie
Ahm Leo the Lion. Widnae mind huvin' a drink wi' Madonna, or mebbe even Kevin Spacey - ma drinkin' buddies. I prefer tho' a nice red wine - no intae thon fancy cocktails. But... there again, ah widnae refuse wan either!!!
Aur ye invitin' us a tae yer hoose thebardau? Ah'll be right ower.
Catherine
Oh good oan ye Tumchie, haud oan tae a get ma coat pet ahn ahll come an aw...{Bard drinks Macallums or Dom Perignon}....ya dancer!! laugh.gif
hubert
Am a Sagie whits that got tae dae wae, fermentation, see you Catherine of Canada u`d start a commotion in an empty barrel of grapes! LMAO HeHe
Catherine
Oh you"re the same as Geoff then Hubert, funny but he's the same too....happy wae his Diet Coke. Here taalkin aboot empty barrels....Mind ma uncle Robert here used tae buy empty barrels that werr used for Rye{?} an they'd put water in them and turn the barrel for a while....then they'd call it Swoosh! laugh.gif It wis nice an aw.
hubert
Heard of scraping, but never swooshing a barrel, you have some interesting relatives Catherine. HeHe
Heard of people going to any lengths tae stay sober, never heard heard of going to any lengths tae get drunk? LMAO
Teeny
Anithir Aquarius here - must admit I did go through the "electric blue" phase when ah wis younger. Used tae drink "Blue Lagoon" which contained blue caracao, vodka 'n lemonade 'n cannae remember whit else noo.

Ah've tried quite a few different drinks in ma time, 'n like tae chinge it every noo 'n then, bit usually stick tae the same wan fur a guid few months afore changin. Still love the auld vino tae tho, rid ur white, whitever yer buyin!

Bottoms up - Teeny tongue.gif
Catherine
Bottoms up yersel hen an gie auld grumpy a swift kick while yer at it eh laugh.gif Hubert, ah thoat is wis a bit bizarre masel but the whole family seemed tae be in oan it..."ony swoosh therr?"....ah thoat it wis hysterical. They came fae Fife, mibbe it wis a Fifer thing?
jimmyd
Hey whits way the sneaky Gemini bit,ah never touched her!! ,honest,it wis ma Twin.!! Mind you I did go through the Ouzo stage,at wan time.Thought it was shugarolly waater. Finished up sleepin in a close,wi a big dug curled up tae me.Whit a kisser it was.... I am a white wine person myself,with the occasional wee Rid Biddy thrown in.Being a Gemini,I was at a party once talking to this gorgeous girl.she says ''Hey gaikit,ur you flirtin wi me." "naw" a says ah'm stayin where I am". tongue.gif
Teeny
Jimmyd ... used tae drink pernod & lemonade years ago, tastes similar tae yer ouzo, 'n partook of a few sambuccas ('n irn bru would ye beleeve?? very nice tae) while in Glesga ... took it o'oer duty free fur ra peepul, bit chist like wee Jean eatin' awe hur toffees thit she'd boat fur Chrissie pressies, ah probably hud mair than ma ferr sherr o' that tae - twas chist lovely!!

Catherine - wan swift kick fur auld grump comin up hen ... staun back 'n gie me sum room hen, s'ma pleasure. An still oan the subject o' empty barrels, the auld grum's goat wan o thame tae, sits oan tap o' his shooders!!

Teeny tongue.gif
hubert
Hey whits wae the KUTA, never mind encouragin that wee yin C, a know whit fit she kicks wae tae?
Annesette or somethin is the flavour being discussed a think, licorace kind of, remember aw yuse that think yur social tiplers, LoL, it comes in aw disguises! HeHe
Pernod and lemonade, Sambuccas and Irn Bru, no whit a mean? HeHe
Saw a good yin yesterday, the back of a wee advertizing paper aw different beers and stuff, two cans on sale an energy drink wae alcohol, wunder if Geritol or Centrum huv one a day pills wae alcohol? HeHe
Saw wance there was a pill fur excessive shoppers, wid need tae be some kind of 23 hour sleeping pill fur some folk?
Anyhoo am no wan tae complain! LMAO
Catherine
Ye probably said that last line wae a straight face an aw ya auld grump laugh.gif
Teeny
Aniseed's the word yer lukin fur Hubba, Aniseed!!

And of course we ladies of the GG are social drinkers, what else? Some o' you guys should get a wee bit advenchoorus 'n get o'er the beer boattle syndrome noo 'n again.

Chink chink hic - Teeny smile.gif
hubert
The wye you talk its, anus- said, ya wee turkish delight! HeHe LMAO
Tommy Kennedy
CANCER... A great romantic, great lover, home loving but adventurous, FEARLESS very loyal...VERY, VERY MODEST & unassuming.
Well, that's me to a T!
Melody
Ahhhhh! So it is!
betty2
Pisces aw ah ever finish up in bed wae is a hangover rolleyes.gif
Melody
laugh.gif Probably safer Betty!
betty2
Very true melody aw ah want tae dae is sleep efter a WEE refreshment smile.gif
stuarty
am a leo if i drank it would soooooooooooooooooooo be me sad.gif
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.