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thebardau
No Pun Intended


1.Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2.Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton
fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4.A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7.A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal". The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8.These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can
prevent florist friars.

9.Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10.And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
davyab44
A South sea island king and his wife were talking about their furniture and decided it was time they bought a new throne. They did, and stored the old one in the attic. One night while they were lying in bed , the weight of the old throne proved too much for the attic floor and the throne came crashing down, killing them both.........you see........people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
thebardau
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
George Muir
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. laugh.gif
thebardau
Three squaws were each preparing for the birth of their first child.
The first squaw placed a large bear hide by a river, the second squaw
placed an elk hide by a tree by a river, and the third squaw placed a
hippopotamus hide by a path, near the river and the tree so that the
three formed a triangle. It just so happens that all three women gave
birth on the same day.
The first squaw on the bear hide had a 5-lb son, the second squaw on the elk hide had a 6-lb son, and the third squaw on the hippopotamus hide had an 11-lb son.

To this day, mathematicians credit these three women with the first living example of the Pythagorean Theorem:
"The son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the two adjacent hides."

OR Three squaws prepared for the birth of a baby. The first squaw spread a bear hide near a pine grove; the second squaw carefully laid a moose hide in the shade of a large oak tree; the third squaw spread a hipppotamus hide beside a rippling brook. The three women gave birth on the same day. The squaw on the bear hide had a son, as did the squaw on the moose hide, but the third squaw gave birth to twin sons.
To this day, mathematicians give credit to these three women for the first known proof of the Pythagorean theorem: The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the two adjacent hides.
George Muir
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
biggrin.gif
thebardau
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat
minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of Grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
thebardau
A Red Indian was sick and went to his doctor. After examining him the doctor gave him a strip of elk hide with instructions to eat an inch of it each day. The patient took his medicine and then went back to the doctor.
When questioned as to his well being, he replied, "The thong is over but the malady lingers on."



A guy had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he
liked her a lot.One day he went to work to find that a new girl had
started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely
gorgeous. His feelings for her grew and soon it became obvious that she was interested in him. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. Many times he tried to tell Lorraine but couldn't do it. One day as they were walking by the river Lorraine slipped, fell in and drowned. He stopped for a moment then ran off smiling and singing............"I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."
Barbara
Come to think of it, my pun is supposed to be sung and didn't work so well in print. Therefore am retracting it. huh.gif
thebardau
News Flash
CNN/ Reuters:
News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have
swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher
Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.
US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.
Mary48
I love puns...thanks for starting this one, Bard:)

One of my favourites was the Ghandi one ___________________________

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

________________________________________________

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

________________________________

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.
Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

________________________

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.
On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

_____________________________

Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression,

"He who has a Tates is lost!"

________________________

An inmate escaped from the lunatic Asylum,went into laundromat,raped a woman who was doing her laundry,then he fled.

The headline in the paper the next day read!!

"NUT SCREWS WASHER & BOLTS"

___________________________

A wealthy man decided it would be fun to have himself cloned. The clone turned out to be an exact duplicate of the man except that it spoke nothing but extremely profane language. After several months of listening to this, the man got fed up, took the clone up into the mountains and went to the edge of a steep cliff. Looking around and not seeing anybody, he pushed the clone over the cliff. Just then, a cop stepped out from behind some bushes and said, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket."


"What for?"



"For making an obscene clone fall."
_______________________

William Penn (of Pennsylvania fame) had two aunts who owned a bakery in colonial Philadelphia. Their bakery was renowned for their mouth-watering pies and pastries.
They had a very successful business going, until a family of rats settled in their cellar. These rats ate their pies faster than they could bake them, and put the bakery out of business in less than a weeks time.

You probably never heard of "Two Sisters Bakery".


But everyone has heard of the "Pie Rats of Penn's Aunts"
Mary48
Then there wis...

the man coming home alone one night when he hears a BUMP,BUMP... BUMP...behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping..clappity-BUMP ...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door, bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything ...but all he can find is a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he throws the coughdrops at the coffin ...



... and of course




.. the coffin stops!
thebardau
Some crackers there, Mary48! Puns are sometimes called the lowest form of wit but I getta kick outta them - & here's one I posted in GGBB1.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $33,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $33,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny, pink, porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" So the bank manager looks back at her and says:

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Mary48
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed,rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store.
There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband



And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared,





"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."
Mary48
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for three pints of lager, to which he duly obliges.
" £3.50, thanks" he says.
The woman pays him and proceeds to balance the three pints on her head, goes to the pool table, sets up the balls and then sinks the lot of them with her first shot.
She then drinks the three pints and goes back to the bar and orders another three pints.
Having acquired three more pints, balancing them on her head, she then goes back to the pool table, sets up the balls and again sinks all the balls with one shot.
Then she drinks the three pints.
She goes back to the bar and the barman, who has been watching everything, says, "That's one of the most amazing things I have ever seen...you should be famous."
To which the woman replies,



"Oh, didn't you know, I am famous...I'm Beer Tricks Potter."
thebardau
Crackers there, Mary48, esp the dolphins & Beatrix Potter! This one's rather lame -

A Chihuahua, a Great Dane and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says
"Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me".

So the great dane says "I love liver and cheese".

The Collie says "That's not good enough".

The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese".

She says "That's not creative enough".

Finally the Chihuahua says "Liver alone.....cheese mine".
thebardau
KOALA TEA

Two kangaroo shooters, way out the back of Bourke. Their ute breaks down. They do the right thing – stay with it. But no one comes along. So they decide to walk out. The temperature is 40 plus C. After 2 days, they’re on their last drop of radiator water when they climb a rise and find, nailed to a tree, a sign saying MERCY, POPULATION 12. In the distance, a collection of ramshackle tin huts. They arrive. One hut is identified as a café. They enter. A lady appears, very proper. “Yis”, she says.

“Bring us a drink, luv. Make it long and quick.”

“We only serve one thing here.”

“What’s that?”

“Koala tea.”

“Well, bring it luv, only make it quick!”

She brings it, and she is not kidding. Pathetic little paws grip the edge of the billy and little furry ears poke through the murky surface. Well, kangaroo shooters are pretty tough but they’re not this tough. They look at each other and beg the woman to “take it away please, and strain it.”

“What?” she says, “The Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained.”
thebardau
Memory

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
Catherine
laugh.gif ...These are brilliant!!!
thebardau
This one's pretty awful - even for a pun.

Vampires

There were two vampires in Transylvania talking about how bored they were with the local cuisine. Another vampire told them they should take a trip to Italy. He told them that the food was fabulous and if you catch the people right after they've eaten, you can actually taste the wonderful Italian food in their blood.

The vampires head off to Italy and hide under a bridge, right down the road from an Italian restaurant. Pretty soon they hear a couple walking across the bridge. They swoop up, attack them, drain all their blood and toss the bodies over the bridge into the river. They couldn't believe how wonderful it was...they'd never tasted such delicacy. They decided to hide under the bridge and wait for more.

Soon enough, another couple came out of the restaurant and crossed the bridge. The vampires swooped up, drained all their blood and dumped the bodies into the river below. Not quite sated, they decided to wait for one more couple...dessert you know.

Along comes another couple, the vampires attack, drink all their blood and toss the bodies into the river. They then realize they don't have too many hours before daylight and decide they'd better head back to Transylvania.

As they're leaving, they hear singing. They know they were alone under the bridge and can't figure out where the singing is coming from and decide to investigate. They go back under the bridge and there in the water is an alligator...singing. And of course you know the tune....

DRAINED WOPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD
thebardau
Found a worse one [runs away, ducking missiles]

Worst USSR pun.

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"
thebardau
Another groaner.

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. Prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hits the water and lo and behold, Justin turns into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swims away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them, Justin hardly realizing that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

During the next tropical storm, Justin figures that the same lightening force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning strikes the water next to Justin and lo and behold, he turns back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swims back to his friends and buys them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he looks for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he sets off to Christians house. As he opens the coral gate, the memories come flooding back. He bangs on the door and shouts "It's me. Justin - your old friend. Come out and see me again"

Christian replies, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked."

Justin cries back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed - I'm a prawn again, Christian!"
thebardau
It gets worse.....

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to NY and then on West to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.

For several days they called in, but then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded - "THE CZECH IS IN THE MALE."
thebardau
And worse...

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the
white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"


The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
thebardau
A bicycle can't stand alone because it's two tired.

What's the definition of a will? A dead give away of course.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
stuarty
brill tongue.gif
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