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wife_of_sjmac
He said.............She said.

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said... You wear pants don't you?

He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said... Good idea - You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and f--t!

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Why did the man cross the road?

She said... He heard the chicken was a slut.

He said... What do men and sperm have in common?

She said... They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

He said... How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

She said... He buys two cases of beer.

He said... What is the difference between men and government bonds?

She said... The bonds mature.

He said... Why are blonde jokes so short?

She said... So men can remember them.

He said... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,caring and good-looking?

She said... They already have boyfriends.

He said... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

She said... A widow.

He said... Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said... Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in the bed and go to the fridge.

Sorry Guys. Ha! Ha! biggrin.gif
Mary48
Hahahah, Jean,...ah take it ye've had yer birthday presents by now?
Hope ye have a lovely day:)
Fearn
From a friend -

[QUOTE]For my birthday this year hubby purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it.

I called and made reservations with someone named Tony, who said he is a 26-year-old aerobics, instructor and athletic clothing model. Hubby seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started and suggested that I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress:

Dear Diary:
Day 1
Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tony was waiting for me. He's something of a god, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. He showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to him added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tony was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to him. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tony had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then he put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. His smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tony was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tony told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse right now!

Day 4
Tony was waiting for me with his vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to get my socks on. He wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, fella! The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the loo until he sent Honey looking for me. As punishment they made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5
I hate Tony more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit him with it. He thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tony - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6
Got Tony’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to dial his number or use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7
Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time hubby will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
wife_of_sjmac
The Little Boy & The Cop

There was a City cop on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said " Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep,"the little boy said, he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, " Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."


The young boy looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, " Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse not on top."

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Tusker
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old lady got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies, and a stack of money
totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be
married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies.
wife_of_sjmac
Pint of brandy.

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery,a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, " I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

Oh Jack," she responded, "It's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped." It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was wellied. She was singing and dancing,whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the pavement.

A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: " And so it is, me lad so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit herself!!!

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davyab44
This Irish woman in her 80's is standing on a street corner in New York and each time she ventures to cross the street a car comes whizzing by and she jumps to safety.......an Irish policeman sees her plight and tells her to cross when the light turns green.......remember green for old Ireland he says...........he walks round the block and finds her killing herself laughing on the same corner........he asks her if she can't make it over......she tells him she can make it fine, but they don't give these orange b******s much time, do they?

With apologies to Dawn French A.K.A. the Vicar of Dibley where I heard this one...........

A nun is having a bath, when there's a knock on the bathroom door. The door is unlocked, so she says "Who is it?"......a voice says "It's the blind man"......she thinks that'll be O.K. and tells him to come in.......he does....takes a look at her and says, "Nice tits, now where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

davyab44
thebardau
From the US of A, a poll on the best answering machine messages. Here's a selection.

1. A is for Academics, B is for Beer,
One of these reasons is why we're not here,

2. Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't send enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry,I have plenty of money.

3. Hi. Now you say something.

4. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly & I'll stick your message to myself with
one of those little fridge magnets.

5. Hello. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, & if I don't call back, it's probably you.

6. Hi. If you are a burglar, we're probably busy cleaning our weapons & can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home & it's safe to leave a message.

7.Hello. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
number, & your reason for calling and I'll think about returning your call.

8. Hello, you've reached Jim & Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up & down, & I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message, & when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.
thebardau
Don't Make Me Bible Belt You

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
thebardau
Chili
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge One:
A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two:
Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
Frank:
Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge One:
Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge Two:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank:
Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge One:
Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge Two:
A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank:
This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
Judge One:
Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two:
Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank:
I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge One:
Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick.
Very impressive.
Judge Two:
Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank:
My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge One:
Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge Two:
The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Frank:
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge One:
A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge Two:
Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
Frank:
You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
Judge One:
This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
Judge Two:
A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Frank:
Momma?
Robbie
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davyab44
Guy rushes into the doctor's surgery with a big gash in his hand and asks the Doc. to stitch it up.......the Doc. fills a hypodermic syringe and is about to freeze the hand when the guy says "I don't want any freezing" ....Doc. says "This is going to hurt like H***".....guy says 'That's O.K....I've experienced pain before......Doc. says "How many times?"....guy says , twice......Doc. says, "When was the first time?......guy says, "One day I was out hunting and I needed to go so bad, I dropped them and lowered myself........got my whatsis caught in a bear trap!".......Doc. says "Ouch, that must have hurt.....when was the second time?" ......guy says,"When the chain ran out!"

davyab44
George Muir
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from,
back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink,
you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from,
there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's,
you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin,
there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink,
they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then,
they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister."
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Tusker
Irish guy in a pub, decides he's had enough. Stands up to go home, and falls flat on his face. Thinks, "I've had a lot more than I thought!" Crawls to the door and uses the doorpost to pull himself upright. Coupla deep breaths and steps out into the street. Falls flat on his face. Thinks "Bejasus! They must be puttin' somethin' in the Guinness!"

Decides to crawl home, as he lives only a coupla doors up from the pub. Gets to his front door and uses the letterbox and the doorknob to pull himself up. Opens the door to step into his lobby, and falls flat on his face. Thinks, "I've really had too much."
Crawls upstairs, and manages to undress and fall into bed without waking his wife.

Next morning, his wife says, "My Lord! You must've been drunk out of your mind last night."
"Why d'you say that, me darlin'. Was I sick in the toilet, or somethin'?"
"No," she says. "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there."
davyab44
two fellas standing at a bar in Dublin....one says to the other.."Are ye from around here?....guy says he lives a bit to the south east.....1st. guy says"Well, so do I ,let's have another drink".....2nd. fella says, "Tell me ,where did you go to school?" other guy says "I went St. Mary's convent for boys".....2nd. fella says, "So did I, let's have another drink".....this goes on all afternoon and another patron says to the barman, " They're having a grand time, aren't they?".......the barman says, "Ah sure the Murphy twins always enjoy themselves!"

davyab44
Tusker
Farmer buys a rooster. It's an extremely energetic wee rooster and takes its job very seriously. It'll have a go at chickens, ducks, crows -- it's so fast and horny that it even tries to impregnate the barnyard cat. The farmer loves it because the chickens are laying eggs like nobody's business.

Unfortunately, it escapes early one morning when he goes into the pen to feed the chickens. Last he sees of it, its disappearing over the hills.

A few days later, he's still bemoaning his bad luck at losing the wee rooster when he notices a coupla vultures circling overhead. "Jeez!" he says. "It never rains but it pours. Now one of the farmyard animals must have died."

He goes to check, and finds the wee rooster, lying on its back, it's wee legs in the air, its eyes closed, and it's neck twisted at an awkward angle.
"Ah, ya poor wee sod," he says. "You've screwed yourself to death!" The wee rooster opens one eye, sneaks a peek at the circling vultures, and whispers, "Shhhh!......Let them settle!"
davyab44
The insurance adjuster is questioning the widow as to the cause of her husband's death, "Your husband was 86, and I believe you're 23?"......she agreed, then he said, "There's quite a discrepancy in your ages, tell me did you have any sexual relations at all?"......she said, "Oh yes! every Sunday morning at 11:00 a.m."........he said, "Why at that specific time?"......she said , "It was the church bells that gave him the rythym......come to think of it.......he may be alive today if the Fire Brigade hadn't passed!"

davyab44
anne
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall, where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said,"Life is so boring we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 i'd take off all my clothes and streak through that stupid flower show"
"You're on " said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first old lady fumbled out of her clothes and completly naked streaked through the front door of the show.
Outside her friend heard a commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause, the old lady burst through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
How did you go asked her friend?

Great, I just won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement !!!!!


Anne Perth Aussieland cool.gif
Tusker
Somebiddy telt me that if ye cross a donkey wi' a Spanish onion, ye'll get a piece of ass that'll bring tears tae yer eyes....

Glesca guy goes on holiday tae Saltcoats. Sees a local standing at the faur end o' the pier shoutin', "Get yer own seagull right here. Get yer very own personal seagull here. Only ten quid. Get a souvenir seagull. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry."
Glesca guy figures a seagull wid be a rerr pet so he pays his ten quid.
Local looks skywards and points. "Aye! There goes yours right noo, sir!"

Two nuns are late gettin' back tae the convent an' the doors are locked -- so they decide tae climb ower the garden wa'.
As they're climbin' and gigglin', wan turns tae the other and says, "Y'know sister Mary, I feel like a commando."
"So dae Ah," answers sister Mary, "bit where are we gonnae find two commando's at this time o' night?"

The seven dwarfs get a private audience wi' the Pope, an' they're askin' him a' kinds o' questions. But they keep comin' back tae the same question. "Does the Catholic church, or any other church, have an order of nuns where the nuns are only 3 feet high?"
The Pope jist ignores this question as he thinks its pretty stupid. But they keep returnin' tae it. So finally he says, "No. There is no church which has nuns who are only 3 feet high."
Six o' the dwarfs immediately whip aroon an' point at the 7th while chantin', "Dopey screwed a penguin....Dopey screwed a penguin..."

Guy goes intae a fruitshoap and says, " A dozen eggs, please."
Assistant says, "We don't sell eggs. This is a fruitshoap."
Guy says OK and leaves. But he's back 10 mins later. "A dozen eggs, please." Assistant repeats that they don't sell eggs because this is a fruitshoap.
Guy comes back another 3 or 4 times, each time asking fur a dozen eggs an' bein' told they don't sell eggs.
Finally the frustrated assistant decides tae spell it oot fur him. "Sur," she says, "We don't hiv any E - G - G - F - S"
The guy looks puzzled fur a minute then says, "Hey, wait a meenit! There's nae "F" in eggs!"
"That's whit Ah've been tellin' ye," says the assistant.

Guy goes intae the greengrocers and asks fur hauf a cabbage. "We don't sell hauf cabbages," says the young assistant, "only whole wans. They're cheap."
"Naw, naw. Ah jist want a hauf cabbage." Assistant repeats what he said earlier, so customer demands tae see the manager.
Assistant says "Awright, Ah'll go an' see if Ah cin find him," an' heads intae the back shop, where he sees the manager.
"Hey boss," he says, "there's some cheap bliddy bampot oot there that wants tae buy hauf a cabbage." Jist then he realizes that the customer has followed him intae the back shop and is standin' right behind him.
"........An' this gentleman here would like to buy the other hauf," he continues.
weementor


A Neilston farm couple scrimped and saved and sent their son to Paisley for both education and travel. The youth decided to grow both a mustache and a goatee. Thinking to surprise his parents, he sent a snapshot back home with the caption, "Do you think I now look like a Count ?"
The Father wrote back, "Here we are spending a fortune on your education and your spelling ain't improved one bit."


A young businessman frae Doublehedges road Neilston was running to catch the morning train for Glasgow . Trotting up to a farmer, he asked, "Say, do you mind if I take a shortcut across your field ? I want to catch the 6:45."
"Sure, go ahead, young feller..." replied the farmer, "but if my bull sees you, you'll catch the 6:15."
Tusker
Guy out hunting sees a bear in a blueberry patch, so takes careful aim. BANG! He heads into the blueberry patch to look for bear. No sign of it. Then he feels tap on his shoulder, and when he turns around, he's faced with the biggest bear he's ever seen in his life.
"You were trying to shoot me," says bear.
"N-n-n-no," stutters the hunter. "I was shooting at a bird that flew over your head."
"Don't tell lies," says bear. "You were shooting at me and now I'm going to punish you....Drop your pants and bend over that big log."
"But-but-but I...."
The bear unsheaths his 6" claws. "See these?" he says. "One swipe and your head's off. Now drop your pants and bend over the log."
The hunter unwillingly complies, and the bear has his wicked way with him, then tells him to leave the forest, not to come back ever, and to remember the lesson he's been taught.
Guy painfully jumps in his truck and heads back to town, furious that he's been abused by a bear. Goes into gunshop and buys most powerful rifle available, plus steel-jacketed dum-dum bullets. Back to forest. Same blueberry patch. Same bear. BANG! Same result. Bear says, "OK. You know the drill. Drop your pants." etc. Tells him to leave forest. Never come back. Remember lesson.
Guy absolutely raving mad at being bested by bear for a second time. Goes to Ex-Army Supply store. Buys bazooka and rocket-propelled grenades. Back to forest. Same blueberry patch. Same bear. WHOOSH-KABAM! Smoke clears and there's huge gaping hole where blueberry patch once was. Guy pleased, goes to investigate. feels tap on shoulder. Bear smiles and says, "You're not really in this for the hunting, are you?"
Tusker
At the Annual General Meeting, all the animals of the forest pass a resolution that everyone stop crapping all over the forest, as its unhygenic. They resolve that a communal rest area beside a fallen log, be used as a toilet, and that everyone must use this area in future.

A day or two later, a big grizzly bear is sitting on the log having his morning constitutional and reading the newspaper, when a little rabbit hops up on the log beside him and starts doing its business.

After a minute or two the bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Are you bothered by crap sticking to your fur?"
"Why no," replies the rabbit. "No, not at all."
"That's great," says the bear, picking up the rabbit and using it to wipe his bum.
Barbara
Gawd Tusker.......your disgusting!!!!!!!..........ha ha ha ha ha

Got any more? tongue.gif
Tusker
....What do you do when your neighbour's pitbull starts humpin' your leg?

Let it finish....

Irishman in bar sees a gorgeous young thing walk in and sit down. So being a bit of a Romeo, he sits beside her and asks if he can buy her a drink. She agrees, but makes it perfectly clear that he's getting nothing in return.

As the night goes on, they find they have many things in common. Same interests & hobbies, same taste in art & music, same sense of humour etc. He continues to buy her drinks, and at the end of the evening suggests that they pick up a bottle and head to his place. "No," she replies, "I told you that you're getting nothing in return."
"How about going to your place then?"
"No. I told you....Look. It wouldn't work out because....well because....because I'm a lesbian."
"What's a lesbian?" the Irishman asks. "Is that like a Presbyterian?"
"No. It isn't. Don't you know what....Look. See that girl over there? The one with the dark hair and the black dress?"
"Yes," he replies.
"Well, d'you know what I'd like to do to her?" The young lady then goes on to explain in great detail. Then she turns to find the Irishman crying his heart out. "What is it now?" she says.
"I think I'm one of those lesbians too," sobs the Irishman.
Tusker
Although this message is postit in Tusker's name, it's no really him thit's postit it! It wiz me, Tusker's evil twin Rory, thit postit it. Tusker's away tae the bank or makin' coffee buns jist noo.....

...First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ".
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.


Then he added a mouth -- ruined the whole damn thing.
thebardau
Pull the other one, Tusker, & gawdhelp the evil twin if I get my hands on him - to him I say, hear this:-

Men Bashing

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two to show off and shake the stove.

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
thebardau
And in the same vein -

MEN

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him... OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Evil twin still wanna try me on, Tusker?
thebardau
WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN


"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means...
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means...
"As long as I dont have to do it."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling

"Good idea."
Really means...
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means...
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means...
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means...
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means...
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means...
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means...
"Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...
"I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means...
"What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shovelling the walk now."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her."
Really means...
"She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
Tusker
Aye, good wans! Bit intit strange how some women love tae see "men-bashin'" jokes, bit lose the rag, an'their sense o' humour, completely when they see a joke thit pits wimmen in a less-than-flatterin' light? Amazin' intit?....

Halifax Building Society is very pleased to announce that they are installing new "Drive Thru" Cash Dispensers.

To enable customers to gain maximum benefit from this new facility they have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with the appropriate procedures for their use.

AS FOLLOWS:

Procedures for MALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert your card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off

Procedures for FEMALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Reverse the required distance to align car window with cash machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to find card
6. Turn the radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press "cancel", and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again, to locate purse and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of chequebook
19. Re-check make-up
20. Drive forward 2 metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot provided
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26. Release handbrake.
thebardau
Bwaa-ha-ha-ha - gotcha, Tusker, there never was an evil twin, was there? It's guys who are responsible for all this, you know, & it all goes back to the blonde-haired females who forever capture the [limited!] male attention. The hair colour of any female in the news is never mentioned - unless she's a blonde. Blondes have long been portrayed in movies as dumb, princesses in fairy tales are always blonde, & maybe you guys are ashamed of this because you keep on thinking up more & more blonde jokes. Now if you wanna start a joke "war" on men v. women, you'll be crucified, you're seriously outnumbered here in male/female ratio on GGBB! But as long as the jokes aren't TOO sexist, & as long as they're SUITABLE FOR A FAMILY BOARD, there's no harm done.
So I'll let you have the last word on this - THIS time! Music hath charm etc...

Writing The Blues - A starter kit

1. Most Blues songs begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.

Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch-ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the runnin'. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.

Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:

a. Dillard's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you sleep in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues Yes, if:

a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit Lemon, Lime,Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
scotslad90
A few examples of thge famous Darwin Awards-some of you guys probably get them on a regular basis.
First Place - Candidate for this year's Darwin Awards.
When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F**K-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large.
In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall
engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f**k-up!"
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. ohmy.gif
thebardau
That Florida bank one's a cracker! A Glaswegian was nominated for the Darwin Awards in 2001:
(2001, Scotland) Electric trains in Glasgow collect power from the overhead cable, and transmit any excess through the rails to a solid copper cable that routes it to a power redistribution box.

Copper is a favorite target for thieves. One enterprising fellow with a good knowledge of the electrical system planned to cut the copper cable during the time between trains, when no electricity was travelling through it. His plan might have worked… but for one small flaw.

In the pocket of his charred overcoat, police found an out-of-date rail timetable. The train arrived ten minutes before he thought it would, sending hundreds of volts of electricity through the thief's hacksaw and into his body, and putting an untimely end to his career

[Aodhan lives in Glasgow, and heard the story a bit differently. "My cousin works at the hospital where the post mortem was done. The man had been told that using a saw with a rubber grip would protect him from electricity..."]
Barbara
Tusker, I screamed at the cash machine joke. I've done that but with a bit more make-up checking and dealing with a cigarette in the meantime. Was also distracted by cute little babies being pushed by in strollers and those little 18 year old boys that were blowing the leaves off the sidewalk. Hence it may have taken me just a little longer to retrieve the money. Good one!!!!
Robbie
ohmy.gif
Tusker
Bwaa-ha-ha-ha - gotcha, Tusker, there never was an evil twin, was there?

>Haw, missus? Ur you sayin' thit Ah don't exist? Cuz my good-hearted identical twin brurra (Tusker) will tell ye different. Jist because Ah'm Sean Connery's exact double disnae mean Ah cannae be evil. Ye hiv tae work at it.....An' it's harder fur me cuz Ah'm blin' in both eyes.

It's guys who are responsible for all this, you know, & it all goes back to the blonde-haired females who forever capture the [limited!] male attention. The hair colour of any female in the news is never mentioned - unless she's a blonde. Blondes have long been portrayed in movies as dumb, princesses in fairy tales are always blonde, & maybe you guys are ashamed of this because you keep on thinking up more & more blonde jokes.

>Och, c'moan let me help ye doon aff yer soapboax! Whit aboot the self-righteous wimmen thit generalize aboot males? Like sayin' they hiv a short attention span, jist fur an example?
.....Eh?
................Noo whit wiz it ye wur talkin' aboot?....Haud oan......Oh, aye, Ah remember noo.......Ur they no' propogating a male sterotype, jist like the bad boys thit make jokes aboot blonde wimmen? Naw?

Onywey, Me 'n Tusker often fight ower who gets tae sit next tae the Mistress o' the Dark poster oan the wa'. Noo *THERE'S* a real wumman! Oh, helpmaboab! Ah cin jist tell she's intelligent as well as sizzlin' hot.....We're no' fond o' blondes at a'........Sure we're no' Tusker?........
....Aye, yer right there, Rory! Whozzat yer talkin tae?
....Och, jist a wumman.
....Well, if she's a blonde, jist hing up. Awright?....
....Ah don' think she is. Bit she says Ah don't exist.
....See, Ah telt ye! She's blonde. Hing up!!!
....Aye, awright, awright. Nae borra. You gonnae make some mair coffee buns, or whit?
....Aye. Bit gie's a minute, eh? Ah jist want tae gaze at the poster o' Elvira a wee minute longer......

Now if you wanna start a joke "war" on men v. women, you'll be crucified, you're seriously outnumbered here in male/female ratio on GGBB!

>Quality always prevails ower quantity, Ah think. Crucified, wull Ah? How'll ye know who yer crucifyin', seein' as we're identical twins? Ye widnae want tae accidentally nail up my innocent brurra, wid ye? He gets right cheesed off aboot that kinda thing.

But as long as the jokes aren't TOO sexist,

>OH????? Cin Ah humbly ask if the male is the butt o' the sexist joke, like the wans you postit, izzat awright? An' who judges whit's TOO sexist? Mibbe it shouldnae be you or me, since we've baith posted "sexist" jokes. (Bit you postit a lot mair than me though! Ah jist did two! ....So ye know whit? Ah'm startin' tae think you've goat a wee bit evil in ye yersel....Am Ah right? Eh?.... Am Ah?.... C'moan, ye cin tell me..... Ah'll no breath a word...... Ah promise.......It'll jist be a wee secret between us two. Eh?......You're evil tae intye? Jist a wee bit?.....Ye ur......Intye?)

& as long as they're SUITABLE FOR A FAMILY BOARD, there's no harm done. So I'll let you have the last word on this - THIS time! Music hath charm etc...

> Och, see you?...See you?....Yer generosity is exceeded only by yer unrivalled beauty, so it is (Yer no' blonde by any chance, ur ye? Ah mean Ah'm startin' tae like ye, bit that wid pit me right aff ye so it wid....) An' yer lettin' me hiv the last word? Oh, boy! Ah cin tell that's a groundbreaker fur you, eh? Awright. Cin it be a sweery wan, or wid that be pushin' it a bit?.......

Ah liked yer blues jokes (an' so did Tusker). Cin Ah be "Blind Evil Rory Clinton"? Naw, naw. Wait a minute...."Evil Blind Rory Lincoln"
Naw! Ah've goat it! "Evil Blind Tusker's Twin"....Naw. Tusker's no blind. Ah um....."Blind Evil Rory Jackson"......OOOHHHHHHHHH! AH *LIKE* THAT!!!! Blind Evil Rory Jackson. 'Sgoat a ring tae it. Hisn't it?

Awright. Ah know ye've goat flerrs tae scrub, an' a washin' that wid frighten the French -- an' then there's the windaes tae dae. So Ah'll no keep ye any longer. Bit cin ye jist bring us a wee cuppa tea an' a coffee bun afore ye get startit oan the cleanin'? Thanks. Yer a pet so ye ur.......
Tusker
Haw, Robbie! That "schnauzer" joke's a killer so it is!
thebardau
Well then, "Blind Evil Rory Jackson", you've damned yourself with every word, haven't you? I think I know the Elvira of whom you speak so glowingly - & how d'ye know she's brunette when you're supposed to be blind - eh? Oh, a recent accident, I presume! Better than you be crippled for expecting me to wait on you. But there's certainly nothing wrong with your ego, & with a bit of education, you could probably go far - away as possible for being chauvinistic!

Which brings me to my next joke, for the supreme & probably unjustified self-confidence of the applicant concerned - brought you to mind, Blind Evil Rory Jackson!

Uni Application

Legend has it that the following is something that really happened
at Southampton University.


What follows is a real, honest-to-god application from a student
received by Southampton University, who was given a place on the course.

ESSAY : In order for the admissions staff of our university to
get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the
following question :

Are there any significant experiences you have had, or
accomplishments you have realised, that have helped
to define you as a person ?

_________________________________________________________

ANSWER from this "very individual student" :


I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.
I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks,
making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate
ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award-winning operas, and
manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days
in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone
playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed,
and I cook thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of
ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester
United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.

When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden.
I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a
concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon
over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire.
I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on
Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. Last summer I
toured Eastern Europe with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.

I run the 100m in 9.65 secs. My deft floral arrangements have earned
me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl
tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one
day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.

I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have
performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week;
when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada,
I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized
a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some
vegetables and a Breville Toaster.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in Madrid,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at
the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart
surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.


But I have not yet gone to this University.
=================================
Tusker
Well then, "Blind Evil Rory Jackson", you've damned yourself with every word, haven't you? I think I know the Elvira of whom you speak so glowingly - & how d'ye know she's brunette when you're supposed to be blind - eh?

>> Och c'moan. Ye cin dae better than that! That's easy. Tusker's no blind, an he telt me......

But there's certainly nothing wrong with your ego, & with a bit of education, you could probably go far - away as possible for being chauvinistic!

...... Oh, my. "With a bit of education" eh? Descending to personal attacks now are we? Tut-Tut.

Which brings me to my next joke, for the supreme & probably unjustified self-confidence of the applicant concerned - brought you to mind, Blind Evil Rory Jackson!

>> It's nice you're thinking about me -- bit how did yon student manage tae get a haud o' mah resume? He should git done fur cribbin', so he should......
thebardau
Your trust in your twin, as evidenced by your "Och c'moan. Ye cin dae better than that! That's easy. Tusker's no blind, an he telt me......" is truly heartwarming, if indeed your blindness is a fact. Or, for that matter, your very existence. H'mm...
My humble apologies, I omitted a word, & it was not meant to be a personal attack, no way. I meant to say "with a little MORE education" - & all of us would benefit from more education. Not necessarily academic either. So because you're beginning to sound less chauvinistic, almost pleasant in fact, my next joke's for you, Evil Blind Rory, on having fun with telemarketers. [Maybe won't appeal to your dark side, but this is a family board, after all.]

10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home arrest" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

And first and foremost:
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
Tusker
Your trust in your twin, as evidenced by your "Och c'moan. Ye cin dae better than that! That's easy. Tusker's no blind, an he telt me......" is truly heartwarming, if indeed your blindness is a fact. Or, for that matter, your very existence. H'mm...

......How could Ah possibly lie tae YOU? Ah mean we've been close personal friends fur how long noo?

My humble apologies, I omitted a word, & it was not meant to be a personal attack, no way. I meant to say "with a little MORE education" - & all of us would benefit from more education. Not necessarily academic either.

....Your justified apology is accepted. Please think no more about it. Dismiss it from your mind. I have.

So because you're beginning to sound less chauvinistic, almost pleasant in fact, my next joke's for you, Evil Blind Rory, on having fun with telemarketers.

......Less chauvinistic? ...almost pleasant....Really?.....Ur you jist pullin' mah plonker? Here's me thinkin' it wiz jist mah great warmth and personal charm thit swept ye aff yer feet. By the way, cin Ah change mah name tae Blind Evil Rory Garfield? He wiz a President, an' he's also a funny cat cartoon.....

[Maybe won't appeal to your dark side, but this is a family board, after all.]

....OH!.....Ye hid me at "dark"......
Tusker
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him,and actually is quite impressed by his
sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss...and you can guess the rest.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, when they're lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,"Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
thebardau
Natch I had you with "dark" - takes one to know one, & I'm off to bed now that the meds have kicked in. Well, you've a certain charm no doubt, likely ego-fuelled, so here's a few bon mots that may serve your dark side on occasion.

I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
I always lie. In fact, I'm lying to you right now!
Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!
FOR SALE: 1 set of morals, never used, will sell cheap.
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
Don't ask me, I'm making this up as I go!.
Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it!
Crime, Sex, Alcohol, Drugs...Boy do I love Congress!
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing.
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
No amount of planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.
The trouble with life is that you're half-way through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person!
I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton.
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
Death is life's way of telling you - you're fired.
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there.
Where there's a will, there's an attorney
Tusker
Natch I had you with "dark" - takes one to know one, & I'm off to bed now that the meds have kicked in.

......Ahhhhhh.... That explains....Well, never mind.........

Well, you've a certain charm no doubt, likely ego-fuelled,

.....Och, you're just a smooth-talkin' silver-tongued devil, aintcha?
-- and you seem quite nice when you stop being so self-righteous.

so here's a few bon mots that may serve your dark side on occasion.

....They have been saved for future use. Thank you.

A country school teacher gives her class the task of telling a true story and finding a moral. One little girl relates how her mother was going to sells eggs at market, and how they got smashed when the car went over a bump. Moral -- Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Next kid talks about his family raising baby chicks and how all of the eggs don't always hatch out. Moral -- Dont count your chickens etc.

Little Johnny then relates a story about his Uncle Bill who was a fighter pilot in the Iraqi conflict. Uncle Bill got shot down, and ejected from his plane clutching a machete and a quart of whisky.
He drank the whisky as he parachuted downwards, then he landed in the midst of an Iraqi army unit. So, drawing his sidearm, he shot and killed about a dozen soldiers. With the machete he killed about another ten, until the handle broke off. So he strangled another six with his bare hands. The rest fled.

The class sat in stunned silence as the teacher said, "Johnny! That was an AWFUL story. I'm sure it doesn't have any moral whatsoever."
Johnny replied, "But it does Miss. My Dad said the moral of that story is that we should steer clear of Uncle Bill when he's been drinking."
davyab44
This gal walks into the drug store...oops/chemist and asks for some arsenic.....the druggist asks what she wants it for and she tells him it's to kill her husband.....he says he can't give her arsenic for that purpose.......she then hands him a photo of her husband in a compromising situation with the druggist's wife .....the druggist says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

The young gal had just moved to town and was running around with the married men of the community.......the wives formed a committee and went to see the local Presbyterian minister who promised he'd talk to the young lady.....he arranged to see her at her place that evening......upon arriving he knocked on the door and was told to come in........when he did he was shocked to see her lying on the bed all ready for action........he said, "My child, I thought you'd be on your knees!"......she said, "Nae fear, the last time ah did it that wey ah goat the hiccups!"

davyab44
Barcker
A man went into a chemist and asked for a packet of condoms,
The young assistant said, " sorry we have run out of them, have you tried BOOTS,"

Man said, " my dear, I want to slip in , not march in."
Tusker
Guy rushes into the pharmacy at the last minute, just before they close, on Friday night.
"I need some condoms."
"Certainly, sir. How many would you like?"
"Well, uhhh...I dunno. Just gimme a box."
"They come in packages of three, in boxes of 100, sir."
"That'll be fine. Yeah, a box is fine."
He pays for his purchase and leaves the store. Over the weekend, he's examining the box of condoms, and curiousity gets the better of him, so he opens the box and starts counting. ----96-97-98-99......The box is one package short! Thinking he's miscounted, he tries again. ---- 96-97-98-99! Definitely one package short.

On Monday morning as he's heading into his office, he notices the pharmacist just opening up the store. So to see what his reaction will be, he heads in to have a word. "Remember me?' he asks.
"Yes, of course sir! You're the gentleman who bought the box of 100 packages of condoms, last Friday night."
"Well, that box was one package short. There were only 99 packages in it!"
"Well," says the pharmacist smoothly, "I do apologize sir. I hope I didn't ruin your weekend.".........
Tusker
I've just read an article in the newspaper here. It says that a 12-year-old boy discovered his father's stash of ***IGNORED WORDS***. Apparently he swallowed a few, and later that day had to be rushed to hospital with 3rd degree burns to the palms of both hands........
Tusker
A guy dies, and when the undertaker has finished laying him out, the widow can't help but notice that the corpse has a huge erection. She points this out to the undertaker, who says the only thing he can do now, is cut it off.
"But we can't bury him without his whoosit," she says. "That would be sending him to his grave incomplete."
"No, no," answers the undertaker. We'll....uhhhh....We'll......uhhh We'll insert it in his rectum!"
The widows a little dubious, but as any other solution would prove extremely expensive, she agrees. Next day, at the visitation in the funeral home, the undertaker gived her a nod and a sly wink to let her know the job's been done.

In front of the assembled mourners, she approaches her husband's open coffin and is leaning over him to say her final goodbye, when she notices a large tear trickle slowly from the closed eye of the corpse. So she leans forward a little more, pats his crossed hands gently, and whispers in his ear, "I know! I know!....Sore -- isn't it?"
Tusker
Young Irish boy, living in a remote wee village and playing fitba' in a county league, attracts the attention of professional club scouts by scoring an average of ten goals a game, every game. Pretty soon, he signs for Inter Milan. Before he leaves the wee village for probably the last time, his old Mom cautions him against smoking, drinking and loose women.

A few months later, the old lady is invited to visit her son, in Italy. To the amazement of all of her neighbours, she's picked up by a helicopter, and flown to a private airport where she boards a company jet. When they land, she steps into a huge stretch limo and is driven through throngs of fans chanting her son's name, to his palatial villa on the outskirts of Milan.

He proudly shows her around, and at one point during the house tour, they bump into a very shapely, gorgeous young Italian maid. He introduces his mother to "Gina", and understanding his Ma's sniff of disapproval explains that Gina is only a housekeeper, provided by the club, and there is no romantic involvement between them whatsoever. He shows his mother how Gina's bedroom is in the basement, away at the other end of the house, at least a 10-minute walk from his bedroom on the topmost floor of the villa. "There now, Ma!" he says. "We hiv our own separate beds and our own separate bedrooms, miles apart. Does that satisfy ye?" The old lady sniffs, nods, and moves on.

Later, a sumptuous dinner is served in the dining hall by Gina, during which the old mother admires the solid gold soup tureen and accessories. "Oh, it belonged to the Emperor Napolean," explains the son airily. "The club bought it for me last week in appreciation for me scoring four goals in the Champions League final against Real Madrid."

A week later, the old lady returns to Ireland. Gina then reports to the young lad that the solid gold serving ladle which his mother was particularly admiring, has disappeared.

"That's OK," he explains to Gina. "Me Mom probably just wanted somethin' to show the neighbours, ta let them see I'm doin' all right!.....And she probably just forgot ta mention she was borrowin' it." He promises Gina he'll mention it to his Mom next time he phones her.

A few days later, he's talking to his old Mom on the phone, and when she happens to mention the wonderful meal they had in the dining hall, he sees his opportunity. He explains about the soup ladle and how it's disappeared. "Didja see it at all, Ma?"

"Well," snaps the old lady frostily, "if that Italian whore slept in her own bed like ye said -- she'd have found yer damned ladle by now!"
Tusker
A wee Irishman, bothered by the fact that every time he opens his mouth, someone says, "Oh, you're Irish! I can tell by your accent!" decides to go for elecution lessons. After 5 years of hard work, practise and intensive study, he graduates from the Speech College. To celebrate, he decides to use his new accent at the earliest opportunity. So since he wants to pick up a few items on the way home, he drops into a shop and says to the assistant, "I say, mah good chep! May I have a loaf of bread, a quart of milk, and a dozen eggs, if you please."

The assistant looks at him, shakes his head and says, "You're Irish intye?"
The Irishman, stunned that he'd been identified so quickly, says, "Good Lord! What the dickens makes you say that, old boy?"
The assistant replies, "'This is a wallpaper shoap!"
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