Jokes Understood Only By Glesga People Options

[Isobel]

A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken'
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?
'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.

What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography ..?
Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.

'What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' comes the reply.
'Aye, same as masel...'

[Rab-oldname]

Wee Sanny and Big Erchie are fed up in Glesca so they decide tae emigrate to the USA tae try and make their fortune. They go way oot west and eventually come tae a wan cuddy toon and ootside the Sherrifs office they see a big sign sayin 'Kill as many Injuns as you like. $10 a scalp. Guns & Ammo supplied'. So they get set up and aff they go intae the wild. They find a watter hole and hide up and sure enough 3 Injuns come doon tae watter their cuddys. Sanny and Erchie let fly and kill the lot. As they approach the deid boadies, Erchie looks up and sees aboot 3000 Injuns oan the hills surroundin them. 'Hey Sanny' says he, 'Ah think we're aboot tae become millionaires'.

[Rab-oldname]

Guy is at Ibrox ,Celtic and Rangers playing ,boatles are flying doon right left an centre. Wee man is jookin ( great Glesga wurd "jookin " ) doon .Guy says "nae borrer son ,if it's goat yer name oan it Etc
Aye say's the wee fella ,thats the problem Ma names McEwan.

[jeani]

just came across these jokes, brilliant !! cheered me up no end, thanks,,,, jeani

[Rab-oldname]

A Glesga Burd goes tae the social tae register fur child benefit.
"How many weans?" asks the civil servant.
"10" replies the girl.
"10???" says the civil servant, "What are their names?"
"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.... eh...Alec"
"Doesn't that get confusing ?"
"Naw..." says the girl, "its great because if thur oot playin in the
street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC,
GO TAE BED NOO 'n' they aw dae it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
civil servant.
"Aw 'at's easy," says the girl... "A jist yaze thur surnames"

[brian432]

[Rab-oldname]

A man in Glesga, gote oan a taxi, an afore ri' driver took aff, he says tae ri' guy, 'at'll be 35 shullins,! "Whut fur", he says. The driver says "ah' know where yur gaun!!" An the guy says ok, where ah'm a gaun?? an ri'driver says tae the Western Infirmary,!! 'How dae ye know 'at?? he says.An' ri driver says "Y'uve still goat ri' hatchet stuck in yur heid!!!

[Rab-oldname]

This wummin wis gaun doon the Renfrew road, an' stoaped at ri' side ae ri' road, an' picked up a microwave oven an' took off. Two minits later ri polis pult her ower, an says OK missus, gonnae gie us back wur radar ?

[Rab-oldname]

This man wis aye robbin' jewelry stores, an' his method wis, he hud an elephant, an' took it inside, an a' ri peepul ranoot terrified, an' ri elephant wid suck u ri jewelry, an back tae thur hoose. The polis asked the owner o' the store, Whit kinda elephant wis it?? an' ri guy says ah' don't know, the Polis says well thurs two kinds o' elephants, an African, an an indian elephant. The bloke says How wid ah' know, it hud a nylon stoakin' ower it's heid!!!

[Elma]

No comment, Rab

[Rab-oldname]

When the new phone system was introduced in Scotland, this joker was in a phone boax, an' he wis callin' the operator, an the operator said "Can I help you??' an the guy says, 'Aye, ah'm stonnin' here tryin' tae phone 'at stupit burd, o' mine an ah've nae idea how tae get used wi' this glaikit phone.!!!' The Operator said "Is there money in the box???' an' the guy says 'Naw, ah'm in here masel' .!!!