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> Jewish Humour, I love it.
post 12th Jul 2016, 02:32pm
Post #1

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All the funny Jewish Comedians are no more, but they had some wonderful tales and jokes.

Jewish Humour

We miss the good old Yiddish humour. Not a single swear word in their comic routines, as shown below: A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I got a waterbed. She calls it the Dead Sea.

My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis."

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, “Because I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

It is possible to fail in many ways...while to succeed is possible only in one way.
- Aristotle
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post 12th Jul 2016, 03:52pm
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Quick and good
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post 12th Jul 2016, 03:58pm
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laugh.gif laugh.gif Very good Carmella.

Heather.......I'm tartan. Alba gu Brath. Saor Alba
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post 19th Sep 2018, 09:23am
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When I worked in Israel, about a mile from the border with the Lebanon, in '84 we had an incident where a half-phished Israeli grabbed an Uzzi from a soldier and twice tried to blow me and my mate away before the soldiers overpowered him and took the weapon back before he cottoned on it was in safety mode.
Police came and took him away: he didn't like Brits.
Next day he was back on the street; which got right up ma nose., "Where's the logic in lettin' go?" I asked the owner, a friend, in his pub outside of which the incident had occured.
He laughed and told me this Israeli joke:-

A frog wishing to come onto dry land at the water's edge of the Jordan is confronted by a scorpion who blocks his every attempt.
The scorpion says to him that he'd like to propose a deal whereby if the frog ferries him across to the other side of the Jordan he, the frog, can then come back and have the whole river bank on this side to himself.
" I should trust you on my back out there?" said the frog.
" I should put myself in harms way?", replied the scorpion.
So the frog set out, reluctantly, with his dangerous cargo on board but in the middle of the River Jordan the scorpion just couldn't resist and let him have it and as the both sank into the river the frog croaked, before he croaked it, " Now we'll both die. Where is the logic in that?".
The scorpion replied, on going under, " You expect Logic ?... in the Middle East?".

"Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.”
― Joseph Heller, God Knows
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