Dear Diary, A wee daily blether.... Options

[Java]

Dear Diary,

Tried to make up for being arrested by making lovely meal. Was complete disaster. Seems sweet potatoes are not ordinary potatoes with sugar on top. Have ruined best pan but have new recipe for toffee…will contact McCowans later in day to see if they are intrestit…

Found carrot shaped like crossed fingers so bought lottery ticket…was all excited and dancing around with husband as had six numbers up but was checking draw from three weeks ago. Husband has gone for refund on bail money.

Is blowing gale outside but dog wants walk and keeps making bolt for door. Have put toffee on paws but dog is smart and has licked some off…cannot open mouth and has only unglued two legs but is still trying for door.

Wunner if approaching policemen like toffee…..

[Rab-oldname]

Java - Thanks! Better than the Herald Diary.

This post has been edited by Rab: 7th Jan 2007, 12:06pm

[lindamac]

Dear Javas Diary
I have jist read awe Javas posts intae her diary and am sure ave made the right decision when a say....."this lassie needs tae be having her ain comic strip cos shes funny hahaha and very much the unconcieous( and am no meaning the oot cauld type hahaha)imagine her oan a stage wi this stuff witta comedienne she would be,better than Billy Conolly nae probs haha.

I love the whole concept of Java dain merr n merr funny comical posts shes pure dead brulliant and her sense o humours marvellously broad and appealing and am nae critic but a hope some day she and her wee funny bits are discovered by professional comedy scouts and earn her mullions cos well she`d ne kind wi that kinda earnings tae and well............mibees al get ma trip hame paid furr hahahaha Don`t panick diary a was oanly joking well a thoat it wis funny..........och well thurrs only wan Java & I raise my hat off tae her hilarity & fun nature yer magic Java dolls.........can a be yer roady? hahaha

[Geezabrek]

C'mon Java.. Let the diary ken with yer oan hen! ... A know we had loadsa mines here'n cumbria and wi you are living oan the land anat, yu'v probabley got a 'secret' mine with aload-0 lead or "summat else" eh? - jist like that wummin in the movie aboot the lakes eh?? (she had a secret for a hunnert years - called 'The lake district"... PS. Wiz that wanny your dugs that left a wee 'deposit' oan my gardin last night? At first I thoght it wiz a mole til i tried to move it... grrrrrr. Jist wait ....

[Java]

Dear Diary,

Policemen very understanding. Have agreed to drop charges if I volunteer for community service. Have joined group of ten and am only one without asbo so am clearly inadequate.

Have been assigned to help frail old lady. Have actually been assigned to help sixty three cats who let frail old lady live in house. Sixty three cats can sense am dog person. Many claws and much hissing. Will bring dog tomorrow.

Tried to clean house but cats get in way. Threw bit of fish out back door but all cats went for cat flap at same time. Now only sixty one cats. May achieve asbo status sooner than expected.

Frail old lady is keen on sewing. Is making cushion for each cat. Ran out of cats at sixty one cushions so had to create diversion by sewing fingers together. Frail old lady is not very good nurse. Was happy to let me bleed to death while she looked for missing cats. Caused further diversion by hiding cushions but frail old lady followed trail of blood and found them in cistern. Now have stitches in arms and legs as well as fingers…old lady is not as frail as she looks.

Was not allowed on bus to get home and husband is still in huff over lottery so had to walk. Was followed by thirty seven cats. Have no fish to throw so may have to use dog….will have cup of tea and see if dog grins.


PS. Cheers all.....but this is gonna get very borin if we dont get everybody tae join in....give us yer daily read....

[lindamac]

Dear Javas Diary Boring witt this here Diary nae wayes wull it get boring sos weel .........am oan it hahaha,,,,witt?..........am kiddin!

Its 11am monday mornin........I have tae get oota ma jamjams
1130am scootit aroon shout box then the boards


1.30pm awe ma Gawd a better move it n get the washing in.then a cin hae anither wee go at boards,mibees type a few answerposts.

2.30pm awe Jings ave no dunn the brekky dishes yit? better move.................................3.30pm phew am rid hoat runnin roon here sweat gushin oota me here ..Oh ehm Neil....xxx hiya hows yer day doll hope ye wurrney working as hard as me the day doll? soooo hot ave no even had time tae git dressed am that Puggelt ...................3.40 Neils in shower am Blue n the face n ers n graces as a dust dry dishes spray airfreshner n make a cuppa tea n ask ma son tae cook the tBones furr tea the nicht cos well he cooks thum better than me.....................well he does!.........4pm Neils clean a gave him his cuppa & telt him thurrs emails furr him & ave set up the Pooter aweready furrum haha.............. phew am aff furra shower Steaks furr tea the nicht oor Steven wull cook um whilst am showering al be back in 10 mins 5pm Lindas clean but jist pit oan clean jamjams cos well its night timish int it & wurr no gawn oot hahaha 5.15pm Dinners polished aff and we 3 are blethering efter oor eats (Heathers away oan her holidays).....6.50 Neil stevens asleep am back oan the boards and made anither shout read a pm and replyed tae a topic ..........awe naw Neils shouting a best get these dishes washed afore a totaly pee him aff............Jings am a lucky lassie the day ave managed tae get away wi murder polis haha Its only 6.52 pm hahaha

[Geezabrek]

Dear JD. A think a found wan o them bloomin cats - I went tae a retirement home doon the coast today and nearly tripped over a resident cat ... but in 'suddenly' dodging it I caught my foot on a zimmer and landed in a heap on the carpet ... Didny think anywan had seen my acrobatics but on looking up saw a wee group of oldies sat smiling silently at me ... Musta thought the Christmas entertainment had arrived late? grrrrr

[Java]

Geeza....ye probly made their day.... ...

Dear Diary,

Went back to old lady. Only thirty six cats followed so had to hide one more cushion. Old lady wanted to sort out attic so phoned Sothebys in advance. Lady is old so figured stuff must be old. Was wrong. Old lady is hoarder of empty tins and bottles. Have packed eighty one boxes of empty tins and bottles, one dead mouse and two stuffed cats. Snooty man from Sothebys came. Did not want stuffed cats but had suggestion for where I could put them. Am pretty sure snooty man failed biology O level.

Went to supermarket to get trolley for moving boxes to recycling point. Was followed by only sixteen cats so rest must be in cream puff. Discarded fourteen trolleys but still managed to get wobbly wheel. Trolley only holds six boxes so made many trips. Put green glass in clear glass bin by mistake. Jobsworth watching so had to retrieve green glass. Have many cuts and bruises. Sixteen cats spied two stuffed cats and wanted reunion so have many scratches also. On way back saw many small children running scared to mummies. Big Issue seller gave me free copy. Think am now official mad bag lady of town.

Got home and went for lovely bubble bath. Must remember in future bubble bath is very nippy when person has many cuts and scratches. Slipped in panic to get out of bath so now have head split open but cannot get stitches as am still banned from hospital. Am staying in bed for rest of week. Cannot possibly come to any harm there.

[Geezabrek]

Java... pop an auld deed fish in the cardboard recycle unit ... they'l aw follow the smell and then enjoy the lovely wee hoos they've found and likely stay (mibby). PS Run like hell when you see them go in otherwise they mite see ya and follow ya bak hame??

Dear JD.. Went tae wurk today and parked like everybuddy else in the street near the building (nae car park fur us pal) and went back to car about 45 minutes later and bless them, I got a parking ticket fur not displaying wan of them 'parking discs' (forgoat) .... grrrr.... doubt if I can get aff it, but have submitted a challenge / response to say they only popped their initialls on the document when it says 'signature' .. I will challenge it as far / often as possible just to make them wurk and will feel better knowing they have had to earn my £30 (if paid within 14 days - £60 if not).

[Java]

Mair power tae ye Geeza...make them dae somethin fur wur money...

Dear Diary,

Am poorly sick. Cuts and scratches are awfy sore. Good news is found missing cat this morning. Bad news is missing cat was in bed so have now spilt porridge all over sheets and duvet. Am too poorly sick to change bedding. Have thrown cat out of bed and thrown sheets and duvet on top so am having good laugh watching cat trying to get out. Am too poorly sick to laugh but am struggling on. Am bit lonely....wunner where all pals are....

[Geezabrek]

Dear JDiary. Still nae response from the mad mullahs. Have made a mental note to reply to whitever they say with another email, then mibby wan or two phone calls, then if I 'must' pay it, I reckon on 30 individual £1 cheques as I'll have lawfully paid but 'they' will have to pay a business charge on each cheque so won't be getting all the dosh. Have asked Bank for new cheque book.
Made another mental note to growl at the mullahs when they come in the same lift as me (or mibbi I should just do a silent wheeeesht ?? Not sure.
Made another mental note to do something else but canny remember whit !!
New bathroom being installed. Looking forward to washing in bowl in kitchen tomorra

[lindamac]

Dear Diary am that hoat the noo please remind me tae make a mental note to shut front door when am gone roon the hoose in nuffin but ma drawers & spaggetti strapped top cos the thoat o the mailman or anywan else seeing ma bitz o this n bitza that is quite unnerving tae me. A hink am merr upset at the heat the noo than witt the heck the postie sees haha och weel hes used tae ducking under the trees when they stick thurr bitts oat in front o um. oan secint thoats am no botherin mibees al keep door open tae get merr breeze in.

Ave had a tiring coupla days so am dain nae merr furra coupla days merr haha well it looks like am dain summitt dint it ? och noo the day a was oan GG catching up oan posts & replys etc when I saw a few wee familiar paths appearing & so anyways even though ma mind says noo Linda dinny eat the hook the line nor the sinker jist pass it by say nuffin but strictly speaking it`s no exactly in a wummins nature tae dae nor say nuffin so .....................Aye a did I ate the whole hook line and near choked oan the sinker of a few posts that aggravatit me so ave got ma feet waiting cooling in a bucket o watter tae keep me fresh furr being hooked lined & sunk yet again when that poster fishes again haha. while I wait for the opposing poster tae come fishing furr me I will sit aroon dae merr o nuffin & well soak haha cheery bye Diary see ye ron as in Later eh.haha

[RonD]

Dear jd, ah've jist scooted in, ah hope ah don't get caught , ah hink java's away see'intae the cats. This seemed the perfect venue 'cause ah jist wanted tae say java, linda, georgia, sumac, catherine, jist tae name a few huv a very nice turn wi' words. Ah'm stoapped bein' amazed at the literary ramblin's that they manage tae post oan an on goin' basis. The imaginative pieces whether fiction or jist succinct factual retellin's are worth the trip tae GG every chance ah get. Anywey, ah'm oot o' here afore ah get caught. !!!!!!

[Java]

S'onybuddy's diary, Ron.....all contributions very welcome....

Dear Diary,

Am no longer poorly sick. Covered self in calamine lotion and germoline. Husband came into room in dark and thought ghost of granny was in bed so is in huff again. Am not sure why pink and white dotty person reminds him of granny, must look into family tree.

Had visit from few friends, but have noted missing names and will save for emotional blackmail later.

Went to butchers to get stuff for second attempt at lovely meal. Butcher is very nice man…will mince anything. Except dog. Enquired at inopportune moment and butcher is now very nice man with three fingers. Did not charge for extra bits. Decided to try spaghetti bolognaise. Was not sure which wine is good with spaghetti so bought four different bottles. Was very proud of self. Made trial batches of spaghetti and tried with each wine. Woke up thinking husband had forgiven all, but was dog licking sauce from face. Could not remember which combination was best, but immaterial since no wine or spaghetti left. Am looking particularly sexy with mixture of sauce, calamine and germoline so am thinking of bringing out own range of skin products. Will phone Avon as soon as dog gets off me.

[Avril]

Dear Diary,

Ah'm sitting' in ma lounge ferr scunnered because ah've temporarily loast ma independence. Ah've goet tae say though that ma man huz been great, he's plonked me oan the sofa wi' ma laptoap an' everythin' ah need fur the day oan the coaffee table, ie. files, paperwork, accounts, mornin' post, weetabix fur breakfast, sandwiches fur lunch, bottled water, tissues, baby wipes, 3 telephones, phone charger, remote controls, vitamin tablets, medication, diary, notepad, pens, handbag, magazines, oh and a big puffed-up pillow and blanket! Trouble is ah don't know whether ah should be daein' accounts/paperwork, making phone calls, eating/drinkin', blawin' ma nose, watchin' tele or courrieing into ma pillow and blanket. Ah cin jist aboot get up oan crutches noo, so hopefully ah should be runnin' ma ain life again soon! Ah cannae complain though cause ma man's been great, he's seein' tae me afore he' goes tae work, workin' a' day, gaun shoppin, makin' dinner, daeing the washin', hooverin' etc., ok it's no' how a' wid dae things, there seems tae be a never-ending supply of beer comin' fae the fridge an ah' cin see things a wid luv tae get up an' dae masel properly but ah cannae so ah wull jist huv tae be patient an' wait tae ah'm able an' be grateful that ah've goet such a carin' man in the furst place.

Hopefully ah'll be a wee bit mair active tamorra!!!!